Welp. I got my period. Thank God. 

So…. I’m not going to continue seeing that Master… I can’t get in the way of a marriage. Instead, I have another potential master, he is gentle when necessary, but still forceful when appropriate. Plus we have loads in common. We both listen to the same kind of music, we’re actually around the same age XD, and our personalities really click. I like him.

I just don’t want to jinx anything. I might be doing that just by typing this… 

Oh well. I’m super 

So, today is Sarah’s birthday. So I got her a card and put $40 in it and brought it to her. She was happy to see me and gave me a huge hug. She said she was really hoping it wouldn’t really be the end. I’m so happy right now. I needed this. I love her to death. And she said the card was perfect. It said something about how we will always be friends. 🙂

I feel so much better now knowing that things are better between us. Be the bigger man right? I gave her money back, plus some, and made up with her. 🙂 

So now I just have to deal with that guy from work… Hmmm…..

Feeling depressed. When will I get my antidepressants?!! I need them. I’m not in my right mind right now. I need a hug. My chest feels heavy. I’m not happy. Why can’t I just be happy? I’m not at the point where I want to die, but I am at the point where I just don’t want to do anything.

Sigh. I don’t even know what to write about today. Maybe I’ll just keep this entry short and sweet.

I’m not happy. I’m depressed. Blah.

TTYL

Grandpa

So I cried in therapy yesterday. We really hit a nerve. I wanted to look into my past to see what could have caused some of the issues I have today. I always felt that it had to do with my Grandpa’s death. It seems like I was right. After he died, my grades were slipping, my dad changed, the weight of the world crashed down on me. We think it’s because I never had that caring, sympathetic person in my life that didn’t pressure me or have any standards for me. Well, that person was my grandpa. I feel like I was perfect in his eyes. Then he passed away and suddenly I had pressure on me in every direction with no one to say, “You’re doing fine, don’t worry.” It was always “You have to be like this”, “You have to do that”.

I had no one to support me and comfort me. I lost the only person I felt didn’t judge me. So we hit that nerve. Bad. I cried a lot. She even teared up.

I miss him.

 

Goodbye Badguy

Well. I’m out of both of my antidepressants. Yay. I was already feeling depressed. Now I’m just going to feel worse. Great.

So I told that guy off. I made it clear that I don’t want to see him anymore. I had a realization yesterday. He is just like Phil. Minus the drugs. I don’t really know what it was that tipped me off but something did. We were in Walmart. That might have been it… Idk… All I know is that I want nothing to do with older men. 6 years. That is my limit. Any more, and they are out. He was a felon, had two kids, and acted just like Phil. The things he said sounded just right but not at the same time. The way he treated me, the way he ignored what I wanted to do, then said he would never do that, it was all the same. I guess those were my Red Flags.

Well anyways, I told him I didn’t want to see him again and I’d appreciate it if he didn’t show up at my work anymore. He calmly said okay. If he were really attached he probably would have asked why, but he didn’t. I’m glad he didn’t though. I don’t need to explain myself to him, and that’s what I would have said. If he bothers me again, I might have to threaten him with harassment and the cops. I know he doesn’t want to deal with them again so that should keep him off my back.

Depression. Such a wonderful thing. I haven’t been feeling quite right since we upped my Abilify. Maybe we should bring it back down and try something else. What is the highest dose you can take of Celexa? I’m not sure. I’ll have to find that out… Looks like the FDA says the highest dose is 40mg…. I take 60mg….. Wow…

Welp. Hopefully I’ll have my prescriptions soon. Fingers crossed.  

The Wall Around My Heart

I am just a big pile of fucked up and fuck ups. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why do I do such stupid shit? Why do I have to be so desperate? I just want someone who will hold me day and night. To be there for me any time I need them. I get lonely very easily. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. But it’s just so hard. My mind starts to race and I imagine things that I wish I could erase from my mind. And I do things that I wish the same for.

Stop doing stupid shit, Liz.

I wish it were that easy. To just stop. But why isn’t it that easy? I don’t know. And now I’m feeling depressed again. We upped one of my antidepressants but so far it isn’t helping.

I’m disappointing myself and those around me. Myself being the more important of the two. Sigh.

I want to say I am in love with someone, but am I really? Part of me is still very scared that he’ll hurt me. And I know he’s scared of the same thing, of hurting me. But… What if I hurt him? Wow. I haven’t had that thought in a while… I used t o be scared of hurting people, but now, I’m scared of being the one to get hurt. What happened? That wall, around my heart, has been destroyed so badly that I have nothing to protect it anymore. However, I keep my distance more now. I don’t feel close to him. Why? I don’t know. I just don’t. I’m scared. I haven’t gotten myself close to anyone since Phil. So maybe that wall is there. And maybe it is stronger now. A little too strong. It’s impenetrable now.

I want someone to break it down though. I want to let someone in. But only a certain someone. I know there is the risk of getting hurt, but, as I have said before, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Break it down. Let yourself in. Please. I want to love you completely. I want all my worries to vanish into your tight embrace. I say that I love you, but when I do, I don’t fully believe it. I feel like I am not capable of love anymore.

Again, just a pile of fucked up and fuck ups.

So, Remember:

Fucked up

Fuck ups

Wall around my heart

Love?

Let yourself in, please.

Ttyl

Blah.

Still feeling blah.

I want someone to rub my back or play with my hair or something.

❤ Eric.

Anywho. I want to feel better again. Ugh. I hate the feeling i get after being off my meds for a while. Even when I start taking them again I still feel like shit.

My stomach is feeling gross, so is my brain.

I’m getting to that point where I don’t really want to be around people. I just want to sit somewhere quiet and not have to worry about people talking to me. Or around me. But what would I do? Sit and do nothing? The same thing I’m doing now but without other people around me.

I just want to sit and cuddle with Eric for a while. Sigh.

Yay. Cuddles.

This is going to be the most random post yet.

Eric is reading over my shoulder so when I type something that I want, he’ll do it. :3

What if I type “I’m thirsty”…..

He stopped reading it but I’m sure he’ll start again soon. Lol.

Maybe I’ll attempt to do more math…

Eh.

-curls up in a ball and just lays there-

Later:

Still not feeling like being social. I just don’t feel like doing anything today.

 

Meds

So I got my meds last night. Fucking finally. It will take a few days for them to build back up in my system, so I’m not feeling at the top of my game just yet. But soon I will. I’m feeling very anti-social today. I don’t feel like being around anyone or at school today.

I’m feeling… Blah. I just want to lay down and be alone for a bit. Or maybe cuddle with Eric. I’m not sure. I just don’t want to be around the crowds.

Later:

I’m sitting outside. Away from the crowds. It’s hot out in the sun, but nice here in the shade.

Idk. I just feel… Idk. Nrg. Wow I haven’t used that in years. I feel nrg. I want to go home but I don’t at the same time. Sigh.

I wish Eric could see me outside of school. I’d really like to just cuddle with him for a while. I miss him when he’s gone.

I don’t feel like walking all the way to the light rail.

I wonder if I have enough money for a drink… Nope. I don’t. Damn.

I hope I have enough gas to make it home…

Random thoughts.

Eric always comes back into my head. I just want to lay in his arms and fall asleep. Nothing sexual. Just sleep.

Sigh. Why do I get into these moods? Oh, right, I have my antidepressant but it hasn’t built up in my system. So I end up just feeling blah and nrg.

Eric.

🙂

I want to lay in his arms and sleep. I feel safe there. Happy.

I think I’ll head home.

TTYL.

What the Hell

I still do not have my meds. Why do the doctors not understand that it is not a good idea to have me off my meds. It is very bad. I need them ASAP. I am not feeling terrible today, however, I would much prefer to not have to worry.

I feel better now that I am seeing Eric. 🙂

There’s not much to write today. I saw my therapist today. She is happy that I did not try to kill myself the other night. Or even go throw with hurting myself. I wanted to. Very badly. But I didn’t. I sought help, and made sure to get it.

Nothing else to say.

TTYL