Something to know about me.

Something you will learn about me: I go through guy after guy faster than you can even blink. If I find something about them that I don’t like, they’re gone. I’m not going to put up with any shit. And lately I have found nothing but. I’m getting sick of all the ass holes in the world. I know I’m young but I’m starting to think that there’s no one out there that will match my standards. I feel like my mom…. All her friends always said that if she could get married, anyone can. Because she was always sooooo picky about her men. 

But then I go back to some of these guys… Is that really what I want to do? Do they deserve second chances? I mean, some of the red flags are so minute and almost unimportant. “Almost” being the key-word there. Maybe if I learn to express myself and how I’m feeling more I’ll find someone who will listen and take it to heart. Idk…

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To be or not to be

For the longest time now I have been searching for a serious relationship with the right person. Now, I have the opportunity to explore my sexuality and become a slave. I’m not sure what to do. I want a normal relationship with someone my age so bad but at the same time I can explore new things with this guy. But he also lives so far away. I won’t even be able to see him again until I find a job… But there is this guy who lives closer… Who is quite fun. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

It is fun to explore and be tied up, but do I really want to BELONG to this person? That’s what I’m not so sure about. I know I’ll still have free will and be able to stop any time that I want, but do I even want to start?

I can’t believe I’m writing without a cigarette. I want one so bad though. But I am going to try going all day without smoking. How hard can it be? >.>

Back to the topic. I know I should follow my heart or my gut, but I’m not sure what either of them are saying either. Well, that’s a lie. My gut is saying to stop, and find a nice normal guy around my age. My heart, I’m not sure what it wants anymore. I never have been.

This is making me think. I have always attracted the same type of guy. Someone who is very controlling and dominating. I’ve been wanting o get away from that lately. I don’t want a controlling guy in my life. I have experienced it to the extreme and I don’t like it. I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to do….

I’ve had 2 old guys like this post so far…not sure what to think of it… Lmao

Yes, Master.

So…. I have had an interesting few days. I became a slave yesterday…. As in BDSM style. I’m nervous but I will get to experiment sexually. I’m just afraid that it will end up like Phil…. A bad thing for me. I’m watching for the signs but so far this guy is much nicer. I’ve never been a sub before. In fact I went over to his place with absolutely no intention of becoming his sub. But it just sort of happened.

I’m not sure how this will turn out. Like I said I’ve never been a slave before. I don’t want to be treated like shit either. I’ve already experienced that. I think that if any of my red flags pop up, I’ll tell him and see what happens. If it goes too far, I’ll stop. But, since I an letting him read my blog, hopefully we can avoid the bad. 

He wanted me to call him Daddy. But I can’t. I called Phil “Daddy”. He was Daddy and I was Mama. I don’t think I can ever call anyone (other than my dad) “Daddy” again.

I look forward to this experience though. I get to experiment sexually and in a safe way.

I know I met this guy online, but I’ve talked to him for 2 years now. I know he’s older, but I don’t feel the same way around him as I did with Phil… I feel safer. I feel… Listened to. With Phil, he never gave a shit about how I felt or what I was thinking. It was always about him.

I have learned though. I have red flags now. If I spot them, it’s over.

Now…. To tell my therapist about this or not?….. That is a hard decision. She will most likely persuade me to get out of the situation thinking it’s not good for me. But I’m not sure if I feel the same way… This whole idea excites me. Maybe I’ll fib to her about his age….

Lying to my therapist. Oh dear….

Stuff and junk and coming out

So, I took my mom to get this neck injection thing because she has a spine problem. On the ride back we were talking about life and boys and lots of stuff. I brought up to her how I thought she thought I was gay. For most of my life she has said things to make me believe it. She laughed and said, “I definitely don’t think you’re gay! You are not gay!” So I said very sarcastically, “Oh, I’m not am I?” She immediately stopped laughing and looked at me seriously. I looked at her and said, “I’m bi.” She seemed surprised, but was ok with it. That’s how I came out to my mom today. I’m happy I finally told her. 

When I was in middle school she had made a comment to me about this girl I was talking about asking if she was my girlfriend. Then, recently, at my brother’s birthday dinner, she said I could sit next to my older brother’s friend because she is gay in case I’m into that, and she’s a math major. My mom said that I must have just taken it the wrong way and she never meant to imply that I was gay.

But now it is out in the open and I feel much better. I didn’t want to tell her that I’m actually pan-sexual (meaning I like EVERYONE, including transsexuals) because she seems to look badly at my dad for that. But at least she knows part of the truth so if I ever start dating a girl she won’t be too surprised.

I still can’t wait for school to start. I want to meet new people and make new friends. I need it badly lol. I also need a new job. Hopefully I can do better at it and actually make friends there. I will be volunteering at the Dumb Friends League soon which will also be a good way to meet new people.

So my dad’s girlfriend wants me to come see her in North Carolina and my dad is considering it. I’m so excited! I would get to swim and meet her family and and and yeah!

I don’t even know

I just got back from laying by the pool, reading my book. It was nice 🙂 It’s warm but not too hot out, I got some much needed sun on my legs (which I never do).

But now I’ve gotten down to thinking. Am I really in the right position to be in a relationship? I still haven’t recovered from that relationship I was in. And the guy I’m seeing now is showing too many red flags. Or maybe I’m just imagining them? I’m not really sure. Now that I really think hard about him I don’t think he’s right for me. But can I really be that picky? Well, yes. I should be. Like my other post said, I will not settle for less than what I deserve. But what do I deserve? 

Also, I’ve noticed a pattern with all my relationships. All the guys I have been with have been mean, been distant, put me down, and things like that. It’s what I’m used to. But now that I’ve experienced it to the extreme I don’t want to put up with it anymore. Even the slightest bit of jerkery sets me off. How do I find someone nice and caring enough to suit me? I’m not sure anymore there is anyone like that out there. I don’t like being teased. In any way. I have been teased and made fun of my whole life and I will not let it continue. If someone does it to me, they’re gone. I will not put up with it.

He seems like a fun guy, but not someone I want to date. What he considers funny, I consider mean. He is showing signs of being very controlling. That is a major no-no in my book. I think we should just be friends. But how do we go to that after what we’ve done? Maybe I should stop being such a whore and giving it up so easily…

How do I change my ways? How do I stop being so susceptible? Maybe I need to become a bitch again. I seem to have lost my bitchiness. I was a great bitch in middle school. 

Workouts

So I’m supposed to be going to this bootcamp workout thing. I haven’t been going though. My mom can’t go anymore and she’s been my motivation. I even pretended to go today to make my dad think I was going. I ended up driving around and coming back home… But! I will make up for it. I’ll go to the gym later today. That works, right? :/

So apparently my readers don’t care enough about me to help me come up with writing prompts. 😦 Or, on the more optimistic side, they can’t think of any.

It’s nice out. I’m sitting in the morning shade of my patio smoking a cigarette I really shouldn’t be having.

I think I’ll try to write bout the silly prompt my teacher gave me… Maybe… I can already think  of the beginning. The rest should just come to me right?

I will not settle for anything less.

Some of these sound a little silly, but it’s what I’m looking for. If they don’t have at least 75% of these, I won’t bother.

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My perfect person (Man or woman):

  • Must have a good relationship with their mother/father
  • Must hold the door open for me (Men Only)
  • Will not insult me or put me down
  • Will not hurt me (physically or emotionally)
  • Must love animals of all kinds
  • Must love reading
  • Likes the same music as me
  • Must be honest and open
  • Good in the sack >.>
  • Protective but not overly jealous
  • Romantic
  • Must be going to or out of college
  • Intellegent
  • Must have a job
  • Takes me OUT on dates, not sitting in the house all the time
  • Loves the outdoors
  • Understanding of what I have been through and what I am going through
  • Gentle
  • At least as physically fit as me
  • Does not smoke
  • Owns up to his mistakes
  • Loves children
  • Questions things like religion and political ways of thinking
  • Likes to swim
  • Plays pool
  • Knows their way around a car engine
  • Knows tools
  • Listens to me
  • Comfortable being alone at times
  • Has a sense of style to some degree
  • Likes to dance and goof around
  • Not overly dramatic
  • Has my kind of sense of humor
  • Confident but doesn’t have a big ego

To be continued….