Hi, My name is Lizz….

And I have a Facebook games addiction.

Group: “Hi Lizz”.

Yeah…. I play facebook games waaaay too much. And similar games on my phone. It’s so bad that I actually spend real money on them…. I don’t have the kind of money to be doing that. I need to be saving money. I spend way to recklessly. 

So, I suppose instead of saying I have a game problem, I have a spending problem.

Is there an actual group that I can go to that will help me with this?? Like… An SA? (Shopaholics Anon).

Ugh. I beat myself up so much over money and yet I can’t stop spending it.

I take that back. I can stop. I need to stick to my budget. From here on out I buy NOTHING but gas and smokes.

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The Threshold

This is it. I’m doing it. I’m passing over the threshold. I’m diving in. Head first. Here we go.
Dungeons and Dragons. Let’s do this shit.
I’ve always said that I was on the threshold of being a nerd/geek. When I made a WoW account, I took a baby step through the door. Then, took that same step back when I stopped playing. (It was retarded.) But, now, I’m bursting through the door with guns-a-blazin’. I’m going to be playing D&D with a test group for something.
It starts tonight (Wednesday Night). I’m probably more excited than I should be, but a little nervous.
I’ve never played before, don’t know how, and…. Idk, I’m just nervous.

 

Update (Today):

That was fun! Very interesting. I had a great time learning how to play and can’t wait for next time!!!

 

To Smoke or Not to Smoke

Part of me wants to smoke again, to help me think things through… But I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea. I want to get into my head though and figure all my shit out and I don’t know any other way to do it. I’m just not sure what to do. I want to write but I can’t think of anything to write about… 

I feel like I can think things through and get them out better when I smoke.

I Brought Out My Tarot Cards

Reading for: Myself

About: Love

Spread: Horseshoe

Significator: Ace of Swords (Reversed): Premature use of force. Excessive force resulting in chaos and violence. All passion spent. Quick temper. Goals at any price.

1: Past Conditions- Ace of Wands: Inspiration. Rising to a challenge. Self reliance. Confidence. Reason reigning over impulse. Powered by desire. Revelations and transcendent thoughts.

2: Present situation- 18 The Moon: Disorientation. Powerful emotions and imagination. Empathy. Intense, valuable dreams. Need to control emotions. Mood swings.

3: Future Outlook- 9 The Hermit: Silence, retreat, withdrawing from the outside world. Calm, soul searching. Wisdom and understanding of larger patters in life. Depression, fear, fatigue.

4: Best Approach- 14 Temperance: Tempering. Adaptation. Moderation. Managing a volatile situation in a calm, thoughtful way. Clear boundaries. Guardian Angel.

5: Attributes of Others- 3 The Empress (Reversed): Doubts and hardship. Turmoil, lack of support or guidance. Instability, overly protective. Infertility or unplanned pregnancy(???).

6: Challenges to be Faced- Nine of Wands (Reversed): Calamity. Failed defenses. Time of adversity. Failure to foresee consequences. Unheeded warnings. Being caught off guard.

7: Final Outcome- 3 The Priestess (Reversed): Withholding knowledge or sources. A manipulator or fraud. Superficial show of knowledge. One playing the role of haughty queen. Ignorance. Egoism. Waste of talent. Hollow existence. Jealousy.

 

Not sure what to think of this.

Then I asked about my “Prince Charming” and drew four cards.

Queen of cups (Reversed): A showoff. An overly confident actress. A drama queen. A spoiled woman who whines and enjoys the sound of her own voice.

Ten of Cups:

Queen of Pentacles (Reversed):

Two of Wands (Reversed):

I don’t feel like typing the meanings at the moment. They disturbed me greatly.

 

The Kiss

Abstaining, even for such a short period of time, from even just kissing him, made this “first” one so… Amazing. I’m not sure how to describe it. The feeling, you could tell both of us wanted it so bad, though it was soft, gentle. Even before the kiss. Just being in his arms. I felt… Safe. Happy. When was the last time I felt this way? Maybe… No. I can’t get my hopes up. If I type it, I feel like it will jinx everything. But at the same time, I’m the only one who knows what I’m talking/thinking about.

But isn’t that the point of this? This whole blog is just for me. That was the purpose I made it for. I made it to become my diary. It’s changed though. I write for certain people to read it, even know, as I am typing. There is one person I want to read this post. The rest I do not care about. Feel free to read, just know, it is only written for one of you.

However, I feel that if I do not express what I am thinking I won’t remember fulling what it was I wanted to say.

No. The “Safe. Happy” part is sure to give it away. To me at the very least, and maybe to those I have explained it to or those who really think about it.

Anywho. That kiss. It has brought up so many emotions. I feel like we have a fresh start right now. To take things slow. To take things at the pace I really want to. The pace I have desired for years, but have denied myself of. My pace.

I feel that I have returned to the same situation. No, not that one. One before that. The good one.( Yes… I can talk about it like this I suppose.) The only difference though… The roles have reversed. It may not be exactly the same, but it has it’s similarities and parallels. 

That is where I must stop with that idea. I must not get ahead of myself. 

I have the tendencies to set expectations, then overreact when things don’t turn out the way I thought they would. 

That’s not a criticism, just a note.

That’s all for now.

Remember:

“First” Kiss

No expectations.

Ttyl

The Rabbit Hole That is My Mind

Insecurities rise as I fall further. Down the rabbit hole I go. Oh! Hello jealousy! How have you been? I’d really appreciate it if you’d go away. 

No, he is not flirting… That’s just how he talks to his friends….

Oh, hello doubt, long time no see. What? No! I haven’t heard that line before… Have I?…

He’s so sweet. He really spoils me. But I’ve heard somewhere before that that can be a bad sign… 

And then his past… It still eats away at me. And… One question I’m still not sure about and don’t know how to ask him… But has his divorce gone through yet? Or are they still technically married.

Wait. Divorce. Kids. Violent past… What am I doing?? Is this really what I want? Is this really something I should be putting myself through? Especially because I am so young. I’m only 20 after all. Should I be looking for someone closer to my age? Who hasn’t gone through so much yet? Because, I want to experience these things for the first time with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. It should be a brand new journey for both of us. So, would I really want to marry someone, and have kids with them, when they’ve already been through it?

I should trust my gut. I really should. And if my gut has told me twice already to walk away… Maybe that’s what I should do…

It’s more than just the fact that we were constantly around each other. It’s the divorce, the kids, the past, the present, and the future.

Like I said, I want to experience things with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. And when it comes to the present, I’m so young. And insecure. And afraid to be alone. But only when we are comfortable being alone, can we be comfortable and happy with another person.

So here it comes again. I need to be alone. I need to learn that it is ok to not be in a relationship. It’s just… Hard. I have no friends in my area anymore.

A fresh start. That is what I need.

So the idea of moving in with Monique pops up again. A whole new city. A whole new state. A whole new group of friends, but I won’t be entirely new and alone, I’ll have one of my best friends to help me out.

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighed. 

Back to the main point of this whole thing. Follow your gut, Lizz. Listen to it. It tends to lead you in the right direction.

I need help. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. I still don’t trust my own instincts or even trust myself to stand my ground.

 

Not suitable for younger readers

I’ve been smoking again. The last few times I’ve smoked too much twice. That’s out of the maybe five times I’ve done it. But those two times… I’ve realized things about myself.
I have the hardest time can’t seem to rely on myself. For anything. I don’t even trust my own judgment. Especially in men. But every guy I meet, I see “him”… No matter who it is. I find little things about them that are just like him. Maybe it’s me? Or maybe it’s actually the guys I’m finding/attract. Do I attract the same type of guy? Or am I just seeing him in every guy I meet because I am still scarred from that experience?
I don’t trust anyone anymore. Not even my own parents. They say we are going somewhere and it’s a surprise and I immediately think something bad.
I haven’t been alone since I was 15. Since I lost my virginity, I have jumped from guy to guy to guy. I haven’t been out to meet new people and just talk without it ending in sex. The last time I made a real, lasting friendship was middle school. The last time I became friends with a guy and didn’t end up sleeping with him and just remained friends was also middle school.
I think I have an addiction to sex. The serious, bad kind. If I really tried to sit down and count how many guys I have slept with, it would probably add up to about 30 to 40. Most of which were in the past 3 years. I’m 20. I lost my virginity when I was 15. Do the math.
I feel like something is inside me, something deep down, causing problems. I’ve suppressed something. I want to get to the root of these problems…
When my hormones kicked in, maybe even before that, and I started exploring my body… Well, I had a very wild imagination. I would make up scenarios, like rapes or gangbangs, that I’d somehow get into, and in the end, whoever my crush was at the time, would rescue me. I’d tie myself to my dresser and pretend I had been captured and was being tortured. Why? I have no idea. (talked to my therapist, she has an idea, will post later).
I think back on it now and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
When I was in middle school, and maybe even elementary school, when Myspace was popular, older men started attracting me online. I flirted with them and teased them and really baited them. Then freshman year of high school I agreed to meet one at the Walmart by the school. I’m pretty sure this was still on Myspace. But I bailed. I didn’t show. I was only 13. He was about 35. When I got home I messaged him apologizing for not showing. My dad read the messages over my shoulder. I got sent to my room and cops got called. They took my to the court house the next day to help track the guy down but it soon became clear that I was not going to be any help. I was scared. We never talked about it again… I was forced to delete my Myspace and not allowed on any social media sites. Finally I made a Facebook behind their backs.
Well… That’s about it…
All I want to know is:
Am I suppressing something? If so, what happened?