I shouldn’t have made any expectations. But I did. Not about who you would be, but about how everything would go. When it came to who you are, you exceeded my expectations. Though, I feel like you had expectations for me that I just didn’t live up to.
First, I think I annoyed the shit out of you. I realize my personality can come off strong and isn’t quite the same as what it is online.
Second, when it came to my expectation, I am not very good at making a first move, so when I do, it ends up being along the lines of tickling. I feel like it’s the only way for me to initiate physical contact. Maybe, in that way, I’m not as mature as I could be…
Third, you’re expectations (that assume). Normal personal hygiene. Should be a given, right? Well… I don’t have the best personal hygiene and I think it really threw you off. I know I have issues taking care of my body, but honestly, I haven’t been making that a priority lately. My priority is my mental health. I feel like once I reach a good mental state, the rest will just fall into place…
The way we talked all the time before you got here, what we talked about… Obviously I expected SOMETHING to happen… I suppose it’s my fault it didn’t. I was annoying, pretty gross, and just offsetting.
Well, you got to know the real me.
The last night, when you just wanted to sleep, I ended up drinking my last beer and sitting on the chair, moping. It all turned out way different than I saw it going in my head. I was tempted to just go home and sleep in my own bed, setting an alarm and coming back to get you in the morning. I decided against it figuring I’d most likely sleep through the alarm.
I felt like giving you the cold shoulder, pushing you away. And I started to, then I realized that I didn’t, don’t, want to push you away. Just because things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped they would doesn’t mean I don’t still want you in my life.
That first video you had sent really put me off. It scared me, honestly. I began to think you did it on purpose. I still sort of do. I feel like once I told you about that guy, you saw me doing the same sort of thing again. And maybe I was. Maybe I am. Did you see a little of yourself in him? I don’t know. Maybe you’re trying to protect me. Maybe you just don’t feel right doing anything with me. I understand. I just wish I could be in your head and figure it out.
I didn’t see any of him in you. Which is weird and kind of scary. I haven’t been able to keep a stable relationship since then because I always saw little bits of him in every guy I met. But… I don’t know… I just haven’t seen that in you.
Maybe I’m just delirious. It’s quite possible. I haven’t seen my therapist in a few months so that could be a problem. Luckily I will be seeing her again soon.