The Visit.

I shouldn’t have made any expectations. But I did. Not about who you would be, but about how everything would go. When it came to who you are, you exceeded my expectations. Though, I feel like you had expectations for me that I just didn’t live up to.
First, I think I annoyed the shit out of you. I realize my personality can come off strong and isn’t quite the same as what it is online.
Second, when it came to my expectation, I am not very good at making a first move, so when I do, it ends up being along the lines of tickling. I feel like it’s the only way for me to initiate physical contact. Maybe, in that way, I’m not as mature as I could be…
Third, you’re expectations (that assume). Normal personal hygiene. Should be a given, right? Well… I don’t have the best personal hygiene and I think it really threw you off. I know I have issues taking care of my body, but honestly, I haven’t been making that a priority lately. My priority is my mental health. I feel like once I reach a good mental state, the rest will just fall into place…

The way we talked all the time before you got here, what we talked about… Obviously I expected SOMETHING to happen… I suppose it’s my fault it didn’t. I was annoying, pretty gross, and just offsetting.
Well, you got to know the real me.

The last night, when you just wanted to sleep, I ended up drinking my last beer and sitting on the chair, moping. It all turned out way different than I saw it going in my head. I was tempted to just go home and sleep in my own bed, setting an alarm and coming back to get you in the morning. I decided against it figuring I’d most likely sleep through the alarm.

I felt like giving you the cold shoulder, pushing you away. And I started to, then I realized that I didn’t, don’t, want to push you away. Just because things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped they would doesn’t mean I don’t still want you in my life.
That first video you had sent really put me off. It scared me, honestly. I began to think you did it on purpose. I still sort of do. I feel like once I told you about that guy, you saw me doing the same sort of thing again. And maybe I was. Maybe I am. Did you see a little of yourself in him? I don’t know. Maybe you’re trying to protect me. Maybe you just don’t feel right doing anything with me. I understand. I just wish I could be in your head and figure it out.
I didn’t see any of him in you. Which is weird and kind of scary. I haven’t been able to keep a stable relationship since then because I always saw little bits of him in every guy I met. But… I don’t know… I just haven’t seen that in you.

Maybe I’m just delirious. It’s quite possible. I haven’t seen my therapist in a few months so that could be a problem. Luckily I will be seeing her again soon.


One thought on “The Visit.

  1. 'los says:

    And sometimes, you see bits of him not in the person you’re with, but in yourself. It’s often easier to start to take care of your mental state if you take care of your physical state first. Be safe my dear

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