I Brought Out My Tarot Cards

Reading for: Myself

About: Love

Spread: Horseshoe

Significator: Ace of Swords (Reversed): Premature use of force. Excessive force resulting in chaos and violence. All passion spent. Quick temper. Goals at any price.

1: Past Conditions- Ace of Wands: Inspiration. Rising to a challenge. Self reliance. Confidence. Reason reigning over impulse. Powered by desire. Revelations and transcendent thoughts.

2: Present situation- 18 The Moon: Disorientation. Powerful emotions and imagination. Empathy. Intense, valuable dreams. Need to control emotions. Mood swings.

3: Future Outlook- 9 The Hermit: Silence, retreat, withdrawing from the outside world. Calm, soul searching. Wisdom and understanding of larger patters in life. Depression, fear, fatigue.

4: Best Approach- 14 Temperance: Tempering. Adaptation. Moderation. Managing a volatile situation in a calm, thoughtful way. Clear boundaries. Guardian Angel.

5: Attributes of Others- 3 The Empress (Reversed): Doubts and hardship. Turmoil, lack of support or guidance. Instability, overly protective. Infertility or unplanned pregnancy(???).

6: Challenges to be Faced- Nine of Wands (Reversed): Calamity. Failed defenses. Time of adversity. Failure to foresee consequences. Unheeded warnings. Being caught off guard.

7: Final Outcome- 3 The Priestess (Reversed): Withholding knowledge or sources. A manipulator or fraud. Superficial show of knowledge. One playing the role of haughty queen. Ignorance. Egoism. Waste of talent. Hollow existence. Jealousy.

 

Not sure what to think of this.

Then I asked about my “Prince Charming” and drew four cards.

Queen of cups (Reversed): A showoff. An overly confident actress. A drama queen. A spoiled woman who whines and enjoys the sound of her own voice.

Ten of Cups:

Queen of Pentacles (Reversed):

Two of Wands (Reversed):

I don’t feel like typing the meanings at the moment. They disturbed me greatly.

 

The Kiss

Abstaining, even for such a short period of time, from even just kissing him, made this “first” one so… Amazing. I’m not sure how to describe it. The feeling, you could tell both of us wanted it so bad, though it was soft, gentle. Even before the kiss. Just being in his arms. I felt… Safe. Happy. When was the last time I felt this way? Maybe… No. I can’t get my hopes up. If I type it, I feel like it will jinx everything. But at the same time, I’m the only one who knows what I’m talking/thinking about.

But isn’t that the point of this? This whole blog is just for me. That was the purpose I made it for. I made it to become my diary. It’s changed though. I write for certain people to read it, even know, as I am typing. There is one person I want to read this post. The rest I do not care about. Feel free to read, just know, it is only written for one of you.

However, I feel that if I do not express what I am thinking I won’t remember fulling what it was I wanted to say.

No. The “Safe. Happy” part is sure to give it away. To me at the very least, and maybe to those I have explained it to or those who really think about it.

Anywho. That kiss. It has brought up so many emotions. I feel like we have a fresh start right now. To take things slow. To take things at the pace I really want to. The pace I have desired for years, but have denied myself of. My pace.

I feel that I have returned to the same situation. No, not that one. One before that. The good one.( Yes… I can talk about it like this I suppose.) The only difference though… The roles have reversed. It may not be exactly the same, but it has it’s similarities and parallels. 

That is where I must stop with that idea. I must not get ahead of myself. 

I have the tendencies to set expectations, then overreact when things don’t turn out the way I thought they would. 

That’s not a criticism, just a note.

That’s all for now.

Remember:

“First” Kiss

No expectations.

Ttyl

Well… This was pointless..

Why do I always try to start these posts the same way? There I go again! I typically start with a question… Interesting. 

Anywho. I was going to start this with “Been smoking again.” But I decided not to. Not too sure why. 

My mind is everywhere. Interesting enough, I’m actually having a good high. Weird right? Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe it’s because… I’m not doing it to escape from life. It’s simply because I have nothing else to do today. 

Not sure what I really want to write about.

 

The Rabbit Hole That is My Mind

Insecurities rise as I fall further. Down the rabbit hole I go. Oh! Hello jealousy! How have you been? I’d really appreciate it if you’d go away. 

No, he is not flirting… That’s just how he talks to his friends….

Oh, hello doubt, long time no see. What? No! I haven’t heard that line before… Have I?…

He’s so sweet. He really spoils me. But I’ve heard somewhere before that that can be a bad sign… 

And then his past… It still eats away at me. And… One question I’m still not sure about and don’t know how to ask him… But has his divorce gone through yet? Or are they still technically married.

Wait. Divorce. Kids. Violent past… What am I doing?? Is this really what I want? Is this really something I should be putting myself through? Especially because I am so young. I’m only 20 after all. Should I be looking for someone closer to my age? Who hasn’t gone through so much yet? Because, I want to experience these things for the first time with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. It should be a brand new journey for both of us. So, would I really want to marry someone, and have kids with them, when they’ve already been through it?

I should trust my gut. I really should. And if my gut has told me twice already to walk away… Maybe that’s what I should do…

It’s more than just the fact that we were constantly around each other. It’s the divorce, the kids, the past, the present, and the future.

Like I said, I want to experience things with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. And when it comes to the present, I’m so young. And insecure. And afraid to be alone. But only when we are comfortable being alone, can we be comfortable and happy with another person.

So here it comes again. I need to be alone. I need to learn that it is ok to not be in a relationship. It’s just… Hard. I have no friends in my area anymore.

A fresh start. That is what I need.

So the idea of moving in with Monique pops up again. A whole new city. A whole new state. A whole new group of friends, but I won’t be entirely new and alone, I’ll have one of my best friends to help me out.

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighed. 

Back to the main point of this whole thing. Follow your gut, Lizz. Listen to it. It tends to lead you in the right direction.

I need help. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. I still don’t trust my own instincts or even trust myself to stand my ground.