Monthly Archives: January 2014

by

Not suitable for younger readers

I’ve been smoking again. The last few times I’ve smoked too much twice. That’s out of the maybe five times I’ve done it. But those two times… I’ve realized things about myself.
I have the hardest time can’t seem to rely on myself. For anything. I don’t even trust my own judgment. Especially in men. But every guy I meet, I see “him”… No matter who it is. I find little things about them that are just like him. Maybe it’s me? Or maybe it’s actually the guys I’m finding/attract. Do I attract the same type of guy? Or am I just seeing him in every guy I meet because I am still scarred from that experience?
I don’t trust anyone anymore. Not even my own parents. They say we are going somewhere and it’s a surprise and I immediately think something bad.
I haven’t been alone since I was 15. Since I lost my virginity, I have jumped from guy to guy to guy. I haven’t been out to meet new people and just talk without it ending in sex. The last time I made a real, lasting friendship was middle school. The last time I became friends with a guy and didn’t end up sleeping with him and just remained friends was also middle school.
I think I have an addiction to sex. The serious, bad kind. If I really tried to sit down and count how many guys I have slept with, it would probably add up to about 30 to 40. Most of which were in the past 3 years. I’m 20. I lost my virginity when I was 15. Do the math.
I feel like something is inside me, something deep down, causing problems. I’ve suppressed something. I want to get to the root of these problems…
When my hormones kicked in, maybe even before that, and I started exploring my body… Well, I had a very wild imagination. I would make up scenarios, like rapes or gangbangs, that I’d somehow get into, and in the end, whoever my crush was at the time, would rescue me. I’d tie myself to my dresser and pretend I had been captured and was being tortured. Why? I have no idea. (talked to my therapist, she has an idea, will post later).
I think back on it now and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
When I was in middle school, and maybe even elementary school, when Myspace was popular, older men started attracting me online. I flirted with them and teased them and really baited them. Then freshman year of high school I agreed to meet one at the Walmart by the school. I’m pretty sure this was still on Myspace. But I bailed. I didn’t show. I was only 13. He was about 35. When I got home I messaged him apologizing for not showing. My dad read the messages over my shoulder. I got sent to my room and cops got called. They took my to the court house the next day to help track the guy down but it soon became clear that I was not going to be any help. I was scared. We never talked about it again… I was forced to delete my Myspace and not allowed on any social media sites. Finally I made a Facebook behind their backs.
Well… That’s about it…
All I want to know is:
Am I suppressing something? If so, what happened?