Shoplifting is a No-No.

Hello, kids.
I’m here today to talk to you about shoplifting. First, it is a FELONY. Which means it will permanently be put on your record and make getting a job nearly impossible. You will not be accepted anywhere that you handle money, which is the main job people my age and those starting off in the work force can get.

Now, why am I posting this? Well… I was caught shoplifting. It was terrifying. This was the ultimate screw-up. I was finished. I ruined my future. I gave into peer pressure and allowed the girl I lived with in Ft. Collins to persuade me into stealing. What was I thinking? Honestly… I wasn’t. It was a stupid, thoughtless decision that I made. I blame no one else but myself. No one forced my hand to pick up that tanktop and put it in my bag. It was my hand, my mind, my mistake. I screwed up big time.

However, there was hope! I was lucky enough to be caught in a place that had a Restore program for youths 20 and under. Just a few more months and I wouldn’t have made it. So, the program has given me the privilege of making up for my mistake. Since it was the first and only time I have ever stolen, I have been given the chance to make up for my poor choice.

One way for me to do this was to write about my mistake and try to influence as many people in the community to not make the same decision that I made. Hence the reason I started with and emphasized the fact that it is a FELONY.

So, although I was instructed to draw or write something that could help the youth around me, I chose to post on here. I am not ashamed of this post. In fact, I think it is very necessary.

While in the group at the program’s meeting I learned something vital to my future. I wish to share it with you. We were told to bring a support person with us, preferably a parent. I was in a group with 2 other girls, younger than me, still in high school. One of the mothers brought up a very valid point. Parents know to talk to their kids about sex and drugs, but it never occurs to them to have a talk about the ramifications of theft. It is an important lesson that kids should learn early, before they make the mistake themselves.

So, I just want to say that I am so thankful that I was truly lucky enough to get into this program. Not only have I learned a lot about how shoplifting effects the stores and community, I have also been granted a second chance.

I want to take the last part of this post to thank the Restore program and every one who takes their time to talk to the youth going through it. Without you, we would have a very bleak future.

Thank you.

I… don’t even know….

Your sister called me controlling… She told me to turn around and just leave. I asked your mom if she wanted me to go but she wouldn’t answer. When I said I would only leave if she told me to, and I wouldn’t take it from your sister, the look your mom gave me broke my heart.

If I have ever tried to control you, I am sorry. I never realized that that was what I was doing. I have only ever looked out for your best interest. I’m not entirely sure what happened tonight, but I am sorry. I feel as though I brought this upon you.

I’m sorry.

The Note

I sit here, in this empty house, contemplating life. Everything I have done wrong. All the mistakes I have made. It’s all weighing down on me. I’m done. I’m over it.

I blame only myself for all the wrongs I have done.

I want to leave it all behind.

The Visit.

I shouldn’t have made any expectations. But I did. Not about who you would be, but about how everything would go. When it came to who you are, you exceeded my expectations. Though, I feel like you had expectations for me that I just didn’t live up to.
First, I think I annoyed the shit out of you. I realize my personality can come off strong and isn’t quite the same as what it is online.
Second, when it came to my expectation, I am not very good at making a first move, so when I do, it ends up being along the lines of tickling. I feel like it’s the only way for me to initiate physical contact. Maybe, in that way, I’m not as mature as I could be…
Third, you’re expectations (that assume). Normal personal hygiene. Should be a given, right? Well… I don’t have the best personal hygiene and I think it really threw you off. I know I have issues taking care of my body, but honestly, I haven’t been making that a priority lately. My priority is my mental health. I feel like once I reach a good mental state, the rest will just fall into place…

The way we talked all the time before you got here, what we talked about… Obviously I expected SOMETHING to happen… I suppose it’s my fault it didn’t. I was annoying, pretty gross, and just offsetting.
Well, you got to know the real me.

The last night, when you just wanted to sleep, I ended up drinking my last beer and sitting on the chair, moping. It all turned out way different than I saw it going in my head. I was tempted to just go home and sleep in my own bed, setting an alarm and coming back to get you in the morning. I decided against it figuring I’d most likely sleep through the alarm.

I felt like giving you the cold shoulder, pushing you away. And I started to, then I realized that I didn’t, don’t, want to push you away. Just because things didn’t turn out the way I had hoped they would doesn’t mean I don’t still want you in my life.
That first video you had sent really put me off. It scared me, honestly. I began to think you did it on purpose. I still sort of do. I feel like once I told you about that guy, you saw me doing the same sort of thing again. And maybe I was. Maybe I am. Did you see a little of yourself in him? I don’t know. Maybe you’re trying to protect me. Maybe you just don’t feel right doing anything with me. I understand. I just wish I could be in your head and figure it out.
I didn’t see any of him in you. Which is weird and kind of scary. I haven’t been able to keep a stable relationship since then because I always saw little bits of him in every guy I met. But… I don’t know… I just haven’t seen that in you.

Maybe I’m just delirious. It’s quite possible. I haven’t seen my therapist in a few months so that could be a problem. Luckily I will be seeing her again soon.