Not suitable for younger readers

I’ve been smoking again. The last few times I’ve smoked too much twice. That’s out of the maybe five times I’ve done it. But those two times… I’ve realized things about myself.
I have the hardest time can’t seem to rely on myself. For anything. I don’t even trust my own judgment. Especially in men. But every guy I meet, I see “him”… No matter who it is. I find little things about them that are just like him. Maybe it’s me? Or maybe it’s actually the guys I’m finding/attract. Do I attract the same type of guy? Or am I just seeing him in every guy I meet because I am still scarred from that experience?
I don’t trust anyone anymore. Not even my own parents. They say we are going somewhere and it’s a surprise and I immediately think something bad.
I haven’t been alone since I was 15. Since I lost my virginity, I have jumped from guy to guy to guy. I haven’t been out to meet new people and just talk without it ending in sex. The last time I made a real, lasting friendship was middle school. The last time I became friends with a guy and didn’t end up sleeping with him and just remained friends was also middle school.
I think I have an addiction to sex. The serious, bad kind. If I really tried to sit down and count how many guys I have slept with, it would probably add up to about 30 to 40. Most of which were in the past 3 years. I’m 20. I lost my virginity when I was 15. Do the math.
I feel like something is inside me, something deep down, causing problems. I’ve suppressed something. I want to get to the root of these problems…
When my hormones kicked in, maybe even before that, and I started exploring my body… Well, I had a very wild imagination. I would make up scenarios, like rapes or gangbangs, that I’d somehow get into, and in the end, whoever my crush was at the time, would rescue me. I’d tie myself to my dresser and pretend I had been captured and was being tortured. Why? I have no idea. (talked to my therapist, she has an idea, will post later).
I think back on it now and wonder what the hell I was thinking.
When I was in middle school, and maybe even elementary school, when Myspace was popular, older men started attracting me online. I flirted with them and teased them and really baited them. Then freshman year of high school I agreed to meet one at the Walmart by the school. I’m pretty sure this was still on Myspace. But I bailed. I didn’t show. I was only 13. He was about 35. When I got home I messaged him apologizing for not showing. My dad read the messages over my shoulder. I got sent to my room and cops got called. They took my to the court house the next day to help track the guy down but it soon became clear that I was not going to be any help. I was scared. We never talked about it again… I was forced to delete my Myspace and not allowed on any social media sites. Finally I made a Facebook behind their backs.
Well… That’s about it…
All I want to know is:
Am I suppressing something? If so, what happened?

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I don’t even know

I just got back from laying by the pool, reading my book. It was nice 🙂 It’s warm but not too hot out, I got some much needed sun on my legs (which I never do).

But now I’ve gotten down to thinking. Am I really in the right position to be in a relationship? I still haven’t recovered from that relationship I was in. And the guy I’m seeing now is showing too many red flags. Or maybe I’m just imagining them? I’m not really sure. Now that I really think hard about him I don’t think he’s right for me. But can I really be that picky? Well, yes. I should be. Like my other post said, I will not settle for less than what I deserve. But what do I deserve? 

Also, I’ve noticed a pattern with all my relationships. All the guys I have been with have been mean, been distant, put me down, and things like that. It’s what I’m used to. But now that I’ve experienced it to the extreme I don’t want to put up with it anymore. Even the slightest bit of jerkery sets me off. How do I find someone nice and caring enough to suit me? I’m not sure anymore there is anyone like that out there. I don’t like being teased. In any way. I have been teased and made fun of my whole life and I will not let it continue. If someone does it to me, they’re gone. I will not put up with it.

He seems like a fun guy, but not someone I want to date. What he considers funny, I consider mean. He is showing signs of being very controlling. That is a major no-no in my book. I think we should just be friends. But how do we go to that after what we’ve done? Maybe I should stop being such a whore and giving it up so easily…

How do I change my ways? How do I stop being so susceptible? Maybe I need to become a bitch again. I seem to have lost my bitchiness. I was a great bitch in middle school. 

Phil pt. 2

More smoking. More mindless nonsense. Though now I am typing but I don’t even know what to say…

So… How about that local sports team? Or….. How was your last period? (Inside joke)

I guess I’ll talk more about him… How he put me down, made me feel worthless. One day we were in Walmart, he was walking behind me, I was wearing a pair of his jeans. He commented on how terrible they looked on me. He said, ” I found your mom’s ass”. The little comments he made about me, my weight, how I looked, they made my self-esteem plummet. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did. Was it for the children?

Yes, there were children, not mine though. His children. He had five kids. One was even my age. What the hell was I thinking? The three middle kids lived with his mother, and the youngest lived with his ex-wife. Oh the tangled webs we weave. Why or how I got into this situation is still beyond me. Then the house we lived in… It was a small 4 bedroom house in a low class area. I lived with his friends dad and uncle. Now, remember, he is 38. Therefore, so are his friends. So I lived in a house with him and 2 old men. Later on his friends came to live with us as well. They had 2 kids, Joey and Melina. Oh how I loved that little girl… She was a bitch but she grew to love me. I stood up for her, I was almost like her big sister. And Joey, he was the typical big brother. Mean, rude, all that jazz. He was 14 and smoked weed with his parents. But, God forbid, his parents would not let him smoke cigarettes until he turned 18.

So we had 8 people living in this tiny house. The house was disgusting, too. It was cleaned about once a month or so, dishes everywhere, trash, and just random shit all over the place. I couldn’t walk around in my bare feet. The floor was just too gross.

There were also 2 dogs. One was a shepherd of some sort. A very aggressive dog who barked and bit at you any time you left the house. He never got taken for walks or even played with. Long fur that was never groomed. Those poor dogs. The other was a beagle. She was very sweat and calm for the most part. The dogs loved to get high though. Because the owners just sat around and smoked all day so the dogs did too.They purposely blow smoke in thee faces of the dogs to “calm them down”.

They all hated me. I knew it. I could feel it. Of course they did. I was the other woman in their eyes. At the time, I didn’t know it nor did I see myself as the other woman when I found out, but now I know.

I’m even sure he was trying to get rid of me. He always told me to “go home to mom if you’re so unhappy” even though he knew I hated her. Even his friends were trying to help him, they made little comments about his habits that would gross any normal person out, but for some reason, I’m not normal. They would look at me after saying these things to see my reaction.

I don’t know why I stayed for so long, but thankfully I am able to look back on it and tell myself that it was not even a year out of my life. I learned a lot there. I learned what to watch out for in guys, the red flags that pop up. I never had any at the time but I feel you need to have a bad relationship at some point in your life so you can learn them. I am so thankful that I learned them and in such a short amount of time, too.

I don’t regret it. Most people would be astonished by that, but I just don’t. I learned from it. I never look back and say “I wish I hadn’t done that”, instead I say “I’m so happy I didn’t stay with him”. I’m so happy we never really got married.

It’s all experience. It’s all just a life lesson. Something I had to learn but couldn’t be taught in school. Thank you, Phil, for teaching me about the assholes in this world. About how to notice them and the red flags. Thank you.

Wow. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. But now that I look at it, I CAN say it.

Thank you, Phil.

Why people feel the need to follow my blog is beyond me. I’m not a very exciting person and all I’m really doing is keeping a journal/diary online. However, I would like to thank all 3 of you for taking an interest in me 🙂 I’m not posting this picture to say you shouldn’t follow me, it’s just the only one I have that has anything to do with the word. 

 

 

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So I had a workout today at Red Rocks (If any of you know what that is)… I skipped the last half of it. My mom is supposed to be my motivation to keep doing it but she is unable to go for the next week or so due to a spinal something or other. I feel kind of bad that I ditched the rest of it but at least I’m trying right? :/

I need to find new motivation. Not just to work out, but to…. live in general. I’m not saying that I don’t want to live, I do. I already went through my depressed, suicidal phase. I just need motivation to work harder and do the shit I need to do. And I know I should probably find it within myself, but I’m having issues with that. Maybe it’s because I just got out of the depression and suicidal part of my life. But then again, there should be no excuse right? How does one motivate herself? Maybe these are the things I should be working on in therapy…. And I suppose if my therapist can’t help me I should find a new one? I don’t know… I’ve been going to her for almost a year now and she has really helped me. But now I need different help. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I need to get my life on track and I hope to do it with school, but where will the motivation come from to actually do the shit I need to do? 

Enough of my mindless rambling. This is all I have to say for now.

Once again, I would like to thank all 3 of my followers for taking an interest in me :3

 

 

Why people feel the need to follow my

So… I’ve been off weed for a long time now. But last night I had some with my best friend. I had a very conflicting reaction. At some point I thought of it as something that’s not so bad for you. But then I began seeing it as something that is. 

The thought kept coming up that those who don’t learn from the past are bound to repeat it. So in this situation I wonder who it is that is not learning from the past… Is it the smokers? Or is it the people regulating the marijuana? I’m just not sure anymore. 

I feel like I need to do more research on it. Maybe look at some studies. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think of it anymore. In the beginning it was great. But then it was bad, and now…. I don’t even know…

What do I do? should I stop smoking? Is it really going to help me? What is the TRUTH about marijuana? My curiosity won’t let this go. I have to know….

So… I’ve been off weed for a long