Mentally Ill

His words still haunt. Two years later and I still cannot get him out of my mind. What it wrong with me? Why can’t I just forget what happened? I guess I’m still getting over it.. I’m still learning from it. I’m still paying the price of my actions… 

I will never be the same. I know that. I’m a tormented soul now. I am thankful though, that I got out when I did. And even though I don’t like her now, I am thankful Shelby kept her eye on me. 

I can’t shake him though. What he did to me, it can’t be undone. What he said, can’t be unheard. Why? Why do I have to go through this? Why can’t I shake it?

I don’t feel well, mentally. I’m ill. I’m slipping back down the hole and I don’t want to. It’s not a nice place to be. Everything is dark, and distant. Happiness seems hard to find these days. I laugh, but inside, I cry. 

I’m still struggling. When will this all get easier? Will it ever happen? I suppose I have to stick around to find out.

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Well….

I quit my job last weekend. I’m still not sure if it was a good idea or not… I was just getting sick of all the shit they were doing. Ugh. Whatever. Time to look for a new one! Fun fun.

Made some new friends there though. Very happy about that. Might have found someone to move in with too. Yay! There’s not much else to talk about now. I’ve been feeling sort of down lately but not depressed… I hope. At least not suicidal. That’s good. Right? Ugh. Whatever. 

Insecurities.

So… When it comes to introducing my friends to guys I like… I don’t like doing it. I always feel that the guy will like my friend better than me. It started with Travis and Sarah. Travis told me that if he weren’t dating me he would date her. I broke up with him not long after and he goes and asks Sarah out. She said yes. It killed me. Now when I introduce my friends to a guy I like or am dating I get very worried. And it’s happening right now. I have introduced Mr. Black to a friend I met at work. He seems to really be getting along with her. Seeing as Mr. Black and I don’t have an official title, it would be easy for him to go to her. But I should trust him right? I should believe that he won’t. But my past experiences have proven that it’s hard to trust anyone. I don’t know if I trust her either. What if she tries to steal him from me? 

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? It sucks. 

I don’t want to lose him. I really like him. But she is more on his level when it comes to nerdy than I am… I feel like they have more in common than I do with him. That’s why I’m getting so worried.

Why do I have to have such insecurities? 

Why am I so clingy? 

Why do I have to be this way?

Why can’t I just keep my friends separate from each other? Keep my lives separate. Keep my groups of friends separate. It never ends well when I try to blend them….

 

 

Why?

I am getting dangerously close to having 100 followers. So, as stated before, STOP FOLLOWING ME. WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING MEEEE??

I still don’t understand why people seem to think I’m interesting enough to follow. All this is is my diary. You creepers. You like reading other people’s diaries? Huh? Do ya? Weirdos. That’s what you guys are. A bunch of weirdos. 

 

So…

How’s that weather? How’s that local sports team?

Yeah there’s not much to talk about today but I’m uber bored. I’m sitting in the pool hall waiting for Mr. Black. I hope he comes here and not to the train station… I told him I’d be here…

So I am meeting up with this girl tomorrow to talk about moving in and junk. I’m excited. I really need to get out of my dad’s place. I’m not looking forward to talking to him when he comes back into town… I’m really nervous…

I just… I can’t believe he can smoke when he has seen what it does to me… And I can’t ask him to just not do it or have it in the house. He lied to my mom for years about smoking cigarettes, so how am I supposed to know he won’t lie to me? :/ I just can’t live there knowing he has it around. I’d be too tempted to smoke even though I know the bad things it does to me. I always looked up to my dad. He could do no wrong. But now…. I’m just really disappointed. I know I’ve said that I’m not against weed… But I kind of am. I don’t like it. I don’t like what it does. I don’t want my friends or family doing it. :/

Roommate Wanted

So I am looking for a roommate now. I just found out that my dad smokes weed. I can’t be around that shit. I need to get out of that house. I don’t want to be around weed and I am getting tired of living with him. I make enough to move out as long as I learn to save my money. I figure once I get a roommate I will give them $200 every paycheck to make sure I don’t spend it. 

I’m just hoping I find something soon!

If anyone who reads this is looking for a roommate, reply to me!!!

Shit.

You know, there’s really not much for me to talk about right now. I’m very happy right now. I have nothing of substance to write about. 

Sarah and I are doing very well. I love her to death. I’m very happy that we made up. She is and always has been my best friend. 

Mr. Black and I are still hanging out. It’s fun.

Oh… That guy… Nick… Yeah he started talking to me again… We hung out last night. It didn’t go how I wanted it to… I shouldn’t have done that… I can’t do that again. I’m sorry. Just friends. Nothing more. No sex, nothing. It was something I shouldn’t have done. I need to learn to say no.