Well. I’m out of both of my antidepressants. Yay. I was already feeling depressed. Now I’m just going to feel worse. Great.
So I told that guy off. I made it clear that I don’t want to see him anymore. I had a realization yesterday. He is just like Phil. Minus the drugs. I don’t really know what it was that tipped me off but something did. We were in Walmart. That might have been it… Idk… All I know is that I want nothing to do with older men. 6 years. That is my limit. Any more, and they are out. He was a felon, had two kids, and acted just like Phil. The things he said sounded just right but not at the same time. The way he treated me, the way he ignored what I wanted to do, then said he would never do that, it was all the same. I guess those were my Red Flags.
Well anyways, I told him I didn’t want to see him again and I’d appreciate it if he didn’t show up at my work anymore. He calmly said okay. If he were really attached he probably would have asked why, but he didn’t. I’m glad he didn’t though. I don’t need to explain myself to him, and that’s what I would have said. If he bothers me again, I might have to threaten him with harassment and the cops. I know he doesn’t want to deal with them again so that should keep him off my back.
Depression. Such a wonderful thing. I haven’t been feeling quite right since we upped my Abilify. Maybe we should bring it back down and try something else. What is the highest dose you can take of Celexa? I’m not sure. I’ll have to find that out… Looks like the FDA says the highest dose is 40mg…. I take 60mg….. Wow…
Welp. Hopefully I’ll have my prescriptions soon. Fingers crossed.
I am just a big pile of fucked up and fuck ups. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why do I do such stupid shit? Why do I have to be so desperate? I just want someone who will hold me day and night. To be there for me any time I need them. I get lonely very easily. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. But it’s just so hard. My mind starts to race and I imagine things that I wish I could erase from my mind. And I do things that I wish the same for.
Stop doing stupid shit, Liz.
I wish it were that easy. To just stop. But why isn’t it that easy? I don’t know. And now I’m feeling depressed again. We upped one of my antidepressants but so far it isn’t helping.
I’m disappointing myself and those around me. Myself being the more important of the two. Sigh.
I want to say I am in love with someone, but am I really? Part of me is still very scared that he’ll hurt me. And I know he’s scared of the same thing, of hurting me. But… What if I hurt him? Wow. I haven’t had that thought in a while… I used t o be scared of hurting people, but now, I’m scared of being the one to get hurt. What happened? That wall, around my heart, has been destroyed so badly that I have nothing to protect it anymore. However, I keep my distance more now. I don’t feel close to him. Why? I don’t know. I just don’t. I’m scared. I haven’t gotten myself close to anyone since Phil. So maybe that wall is there. And maybe it is stronger now. A little too strong. It’s impenetrable now.
I want someone to break it down though. I want to let someone in. But only a certain someone. I know there is the risk of getting hurt, but, as I have said before, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Break it down. Let yourself in. Please. I want to love you completely. I want all my worries to vanish into your tight embrace. I say that I love you, but when I do, I don’t fully believe it. I feel like I am not capable of love anymore.
So I finally got a tattoo that I’ve wanted for a while. It is part of a Harry Potter quote. It says, “Turn on the light ~A.D.” In my handwriting with a design going around my wrist. It’s beautiful. I love it. It doesn’t even feel new though. I feel like I’ve had it forever. I think that means it’s a good thing. It means that it was something I was meant to have. 🙂
I’m so happy with it!!!! ❤ AND! It’s purple. 😀
Anywho, my parents’ response to it was interesting. My mom, “You realize you’re going to have this for the rest of your life?” “Yes, Mom.”
Dad, “So this is what you’re spending your money on?” “Just this once, Dad.”
Sigh. It’s always the same thing with both of them. With dad, it’s about the money. With mom, never do anything permanent to your body blah blah blah. Whatever.
So… I know this will upset one of my readers, however, I need to write about it… I met this guy at work… He comes in to do our surveys. He started hitting on me and gave me his phone number and everything. But the thing is, he’s 29 and a felon. And I have a boyfriend. I may or may not have hung out with him a few times over the weekend.
I feel terrible about it though because of Eric. But Eric can’t hang out outside of school and I get lonely. That’s not an excuse though. I shouldn’t be flirting with other guys.
I don’t know what to do. I want to tell the guy that nothing is going to happen between us but it’s hard. He’s really sweet. And I haven’t told him that I have a boyfriend either…
I’m sorry Eric. I feel so bad. I love you. Please don’t be mad at me. I’ll figure this shit out.
I just really needed to blog about it. I needed to get it out in the open. And I needed to Eric somehow but I’m not very good with direct confrontation. I’m bad at talking face to face about things like this.
I even tried to tell the guy that we could only be friends but he didn’t seem to understand. He still wants to get to know me and be with me but I just can’t. He’s too old. He’s a felon. He has kids. He JUST got out of prison… Fuck. He’s Phil. Just without the drugs. He doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t do drugs or anything. But still, he’s a felon. And I have a boyfriend.
Think about the following situations and the resulting behavior :
A text message from your partner’s former lover sends you into a spiral of rage, insecurity and self-doubt. They reassure you but you are convinced they are cheating.
You want to change your job but fail to apply for a new one because you are convinced that you are not good enough to get it.
You allow people to walk all over you because you are not assertive and like to avoid conflict, resulting in regret and self loathing.
These situations are typical of the way many people live their lives. For them, this is normal. They feel that this is their lot..they don’t deserve anything better. When we look for the reasons for this, the past and especially upbringing is the first place to look. While the old cliché goes that therapists always blame the parents, their influence or lack of…
So, he is making an effort to get better. He is seeing a counselor and getting help. Maybe there is hope for him yet. I want to give him a chance. I want to help him. Not force him to change. I’ve learned that you can’t change someone. But you can help them become the person they want to be. Right? Well that’s what I’m going to do. I really like him.
I have faith in him. He can become the person he wants to be. A better person. I hope. If not, it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
Am I falling into a trap? Why must I doubt myself so much. Always second-guessing. Am I giving this chance to someone who doesn’t deserve it? But everyone deserves a chance, right? Sigh.
What if he is lying to me? How am I supposed to know? I’ve been lied to a lot in my past and that makes it hard, very hard, for me to trust anyone these days.
Why do I have to be so fucked up? My mom said, last night, “I wish you had never worked at Elitch’s.” Well, you live and you learn right? No regrets. But then I think, how fucked up would I be if I had never worked there? Never met Phil… But how trusting would I be? It hurts me to think about it. I don’t like thinking about it.
Stop living in the past. Stay in the present. What is happening now. But what about the future? The future does not exist. All that exists is here and now. This moment. Work your ass off so the next moment you have can be better than your present one. That’s all you have to worry about.