So, today is Sarah’s birthday. So I got her a card and put $40 in it and brought it to her. She was happy to see me and gave me a huge hug. She said she was really hoping it wouldn’t really be the end. I’m so happy right now. I needed this. I love her to death. And she said the card was perfect. It said something about how we will always be friends. 🙂

I feel so much better now knowing that things are better between us. Be the bigger man right? I gave her money back, plus some, and made up with her. 🙂 

So now I just have to deal with that guy from work… Hmmm…..

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I need advice!

I need to quit smoking but I don’t know any good, effective methods. Anyone have any advice? I have tried harm reduction but whenever I get stressed I smoke more again. I think that is the best way to do it, but I need help making it effective. 

Mr. Black doesn’t like that I smoke and I really like him. I’ve been wanting to quit anyways but now I want to even more. 

So, there’s this guy at work who has a thing for me. I’ve been hanging out with him and he finally asked me out… But… What about Mr. Black? I like him a lot more. And he’s much nicer. I’ve noticed that if I say “You’re mean” to a person a lot, it ends up being bad. He ends up really being a mean person. That’s what happened with Phil. So I’ve noticed I’ve been saying it a lot to the guy at work. I want to tell him that I can’t be with him, but he seems like a fragile person and might take it out on me. I don’t know how to break it to him. And I have to break things off with him if things start getting serious with Mr. Black. 

Plus, I don’t want to stop hanging out with the guy from work because… Well… I don’t really have anyone else to hang out with… It’s sad… I have few friends left that I can see outside of school or work. :/

So, I’m getting depressed again. I had an anxiety attack at work the other day. I scratched my arm until there was blood. Now I have large scabs on my arms… I can’t start doing this again. I can’t hurt myself. This is a step in the wrong direction. 

That Time of the Year

Well, it’s that time of the year again. The time when I fuck up everything. I lose motivation to work and shit and I start making bad decisions. I’ve been missing class and going out drinking. I need to stop. Bad. These bad decisions are going to be the death of me… I was thinking in the car on the way home, a fleeting thought really, I should just die. Even now, I concentrate on that word. It calls to me. I long for it. If I can’t get the motivation to be what I want to be, then I should just die at the risk of never being happy. 

What is motivation and how do I get me some? Can I just buy a lifetime supply of it from Costco or something? Ha. I wish. I need it though. I don’t know if I ever really had it. If I did, where did it go? Where is it now? 

I’m not too sure what else to write right now… 

Remember:

Fuck up

Death

Motivation

 

TTYL

About Time

So I think it’s about time I write about this guy… I don’t know why I’ve been putting it off, maybe because I don’t want to jinx it… Lets call him…. Mr. Black (No offense intended). I don’t want to use his real name because… Well I have no good reason. I just don’t. So Mr. Black and I have been having some fun together. He’s very sweet, very goofy, and just overall fun to be around. 🙂 He makes me smile and laugh and just feel good. But I’m worried that I might be getting too clingy… I try not to be but I just like being around him and with him.

He’s super cute and he has abs and and and yeah. :3 The thing is, I go to school with him. Well kinda. He goes to the same campus, but a different college. I see him in the pool hall all the time. But then there’s Eric. Who is also in the pool hall. I can tell he is getting jealous. All I have to say about that though is that he should have put in more effort to be with me. I don’t want to be with someone that I can’t see outside of school. I don’t want to be with someone who always has an excuse to not hang out. I’m the type of person that needs to be able to see the person I’m with when ever possible. Not someone that I can’t see over the weekend or after school.

Anywho, M.B. has some issues of his own. He was married for a little while and is still trying to get over that. I’m patient though. He also can’t work right now. That is what is mainly holding him back from being with me. But I figure as long as we can hang out and have fun, I’m fine. I don’t need to label the relationship or anything. If he isn’t ready to consider us to be dating, that’s okay.

There’s not much else to say about him.

Remember:

Mr. Black

Not dating

Just fun

TTYL

Will my readers help me with something? Please Read!

If someone could tell me why you guys follow my blog, that’d be great. I really want to know. 

Anywho, I think my antidepressants have been out of my system for too long. I don’t feel happy. But I don’t feel depressed either. Just… Dull. 

I also need help with something. I need to write a letter to Sarah. I am going to give her $20 and a letter but I don’t know what to say to her. Any advice? It would help if you read my previous post about what happened. I want to apologize for the way I have been and the way I have made her feel, but I also want her to understand what I’m going through. Well, maybe I should leave that out. Just apologize. 

Sarah,

To start, I want to say that I am very sorry. I never wanted to make you feel used by me. I never meant to use you. If I did, I didn’t realize it. Yes, I do love your dogs. However, I love you. I don’t think you understand. You have been my closest, and sometimes my only friend. You have had many best friends over the years. But I have only ever had one. You. You’re not just my best friend, you’re my sister. 

I have done some shitty things in the past and said things that have hurt you. Just know, it was never intentional. I don’t hate you for your body, I just wish you could see how amazing it is.

I have never pretended to be your friend. I have done my best to always be there for you when you needed it. And I won’t stop now. I understand you are upset with me, but if the time ever comes that you forgive me for my wrongdoings, I will be here. If you ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here. 

I’m sorry I brought up the past so much. The things you said and did. I’m very insecure and I can’t seem to let these things go. If I had realized how much it bothered you I would have stopped. I’m just blind when it comes to other people’s feelings. I guess I can be selfish in that way. 

We’re growing up and growing apart. That is part of life. I just want you to know that the door is still open, and always will be, if you ever want to come back. 

I love you, sis,

Lizz