So my job hunt isn’t going well. Maybe I should actually start trying >.> I don’t know why but my motivation is at like an all time low right now. I don’t feel like doing shit. But then when I don’t do shit I feel like shit. I’m getting depressed again but I have been taking my meds. Granted I’ve missed a few doses and need time to get it to build up in my system again, but I just don’t like feeling like this. 

I need to concentrate on getting a job. I need to stop being a lazy ass and get my shit together! Why do I do this to myself? I never have any motivation, and I have such a poor work ethic as it is. Ugh. How do I help myself? :/

This is so fucking frustrating. I can rant about it all day but then I end up not doing shit! I need to give myself a swift kick in the ass. 

I need to work out. I need to find a job. I need to continuously take my meds. I need to get off my ass and do shit. I can’t keep doing this for the rest of my life. I need to do well in school. I can’t let myself fall behind. UGH.

This is when I do get depressed again. This is when I start telling myself that life is just too damn hard. I don’t want to live if I can’t live well. Is that a bad thing to say? Idk… 

I need help. 



Daily Prompt: Drawing a Blank

Ha! Story of my life! I’m always trying to figure out what to write and what to talk about but most of the time I can’t think of anything and I end up mindlessly rambling, as you can see from the rest of my blog. 

I am thankful this site has daily propmts though. Without them I would be at a total loss for words. Like now. That’s all I really have to write. There’s not much up here *taps on head*. 

I just ranted on my facebook page, thought I’d share it here. It has nothing to do with drawing a blank, but seeing as I have nothing else to write, I might as well share this:

We need to allow our children to grow and find what they love and from a young age, nourishing that love into what they will do with the rest of their lives. Rather than making them learn “skills” they will neer use again, let’s encourage the growth of their natural passions. Specialized schools or classes based on what the child enjoys or what their strengths are. Parents will learn to pay attention to what their child is good at or enjoys doing, will talk to the school admin about it, and then the student will be put in a class that will nourish and encourage that skill. Don’t ask them what they want to be when they grow up, ask them what they like to do, what they think they’re good at. Then go off that information. Start this at an early age, when the brain is more capible of absorbing the information. “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid” -Albert Einstein

Huzah!!!!! (Posted from….. MY LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I got my laptop back! I got my laptop back! I got my laptop back!!! Many thanks to my Cali friend Mark. 🙂 Have I written about him yet? I’m not sure… Maybe I will at a later date.

I’m so fucking happy! The clicking of the keys! The tiny screen (compared to Mo’s). I’ve missed it so much. It’s been almost a month!

Anywho. There’s  not much else to talk about. Therapy went well. That’s about it.

So, remember:



*Must bring up to therapist!!!*

So my super sexy neighbor is single now. Woot!!

But I don’t think I have a chance with him. Oh well. No biggie.

Mo and I are just chillin. Nothing to really talk about right now. Don’t know why I’m typing. Just cuz i suppose.

How are you today? Good? Good.

Mo is going to help me get my laptop back, have I mentioned that before? I’m not sure. I’m so happy and soooo thankful for it though!!! I can’t get over how amazing she is for doing that.

Lalalalala. I’m bored. But not. But I am. Lol.

Oh, by the way, that story “Lonely Girl”, had nothing to do with me. I just was looking at writing prompts and saw one that said “A ghost’s biography”, so that was what popped into my mind. Don’t worry, I’m not depressed or suicidal, however the thoughts have been creeping back a little. I was thinking earlier a thought that I’ve always had, and one that has contributed to my suicidalness and depression. It was, “What happens after death?” I’ve always been very curious about it. I’ve always wanted to know what happens after you die.

I don’t want to think about it much more now because I know that it will lead to suicidal thoughts. It always has. So when I thought about that this morning, I realized that I needed to take my meds. So I did. I’ve been forgetting them, or blowing them off, the past couple days, which is REALLY not good. Obviously. It leads to me thinking about death and not concentrating on life. When I’m depressed, I think about death more, and what happens after you die, but when I’m on my meds I concentrate on life and everything I can be doing with it.

THAT is my warning sign. THAT is how I know I’m falling back into depression.

I have so much to talk to my therapist about:

The warning sings of depression

Not taking my meds (I think I need a new pill box)

Quitting smoking

Finding a job

Getting ready for school

My laptop


That’s about it. Well then…. TTYL.

Final Hoorah

So, Monique and I decided to have a little drinking night tonight. We took all the precautions we could to make sure my dad didn’t find out. We just missed one, little thing. The Keystone Ice box on the counter. 

Needless to say, my dad is not happy.

“This is not a party house!”

“Don’t make this a habit!”

“You’re supposed to be looking for a job and focusing on getting ready for school!”

Yeah. Not happy. Mo is blaming herself for it, but I know it’s not all her fault. I took part in it. But just like I take the blame for her smoking, she is taking the blame here. I’m so thankful for that, however, with recent events, I know my dad has reason to worry. I also know, however, that this won’t become a habit. Every kid has their party phase. Some sooner than others. For me, mine has come after my friends’. But he doesn’t know that.

I told him, that just like weed, this will not be a habit for me. I stopped smoking just like I won’t be drinking all the time. Sure I’ll have one here and there but it won’t be a party every freaking time.

Ugh. I need to move out. I’m dying to move out. I don’t want to live here anymore!

I either can’t sleep, or don’t feel like sleeping…. I’m not sure which one.

I know my blog is really random, which is why I don’t understand why so many people are following it. Lol. I don’t really care though. People can read this shit if they want. There are only a few people who I actually know that I am allowing access to this blog. Otherwise, it’s only random interwebz people.

I’m tired but I don’t feel like sleeping. Which is rare for me. I like sleep. A lot. I LOVE sleeping. But right now, I just don’t wanna. I’m not even sure what to write about! I’m feeling more sober now, though. That’s a good thing.

So, the other night, y friend and I were drinking, and decided to cut my hair. It doesn’t look too bad, but I need to get it fixed up a little. She’s not a professional hairdresser so it looks a little choppy, but I like it. Just need to get it detailed, lol.

I’ll add pictures of it when it does get fixed though. I like my hair short. I love it short actually. Shelby says it looks better long because I have such a round face, but I don’t give a fuck what she says.

Sleeeeeeeeep. It sounds so nice. But I don’t know if I want to right now….

Sleepless At Mo’s

Ummm? Lol

Drinking with one of my best friends 😀

So much fun. 

Told that guy that I like him. But he only sees me as a sister 😦 Oh well. Maybe one day…. Who knows. Lol. 

Not really sure what to write right now. 

Alex is being nice. We’re friends. Not dating. I’m ok with that. Like I promised myself before, I won’t date anyone until I’m 20. (Like that has worked >.>)

I think I might try to stay single til I’m 21 actually. Stay focused on myself for the next year… I’ll try. It’ll be hard. But I will try. Idk if I can do it… Help me keep my head on straight!!!

Yes, I am tipsy. That’s why this post is choppy and random. Lol, What to write about? i missed my therapy appointment today 😦 But my therapist is so awesome she isn’t charging me for missing it 😀






That’s it