Phil pt. 2

More smoking. More mindless nonsense. Though now I am typing but I don’t even know what to say…

So… How about that local sports team? Or….. How was your last period? (Inside joke)

I guess I’ll talk more about him… How he put me down, made me feel worthless. One day we were in Walmart, he was walking behind me, I was wearing a pair of his jeans. He commented on how terrible they looked on me. He said, ” I found your mom’s ass”. The little comments he made about me, my weight, how I looked, they made my self-esteem plummet. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did. Was it for the children?

Yes, there were children, not mine though. His children. He had five kids. One was even my age. What the hell was I thinking? The three middle kids lived with his mother, and the youngest lived with his ex-wife. Oh the tangled webs we weave. Why or how I got into this situation is still beyond me. Then the house we lived in… It was a small 4 bedroom house in a low class area. I lived with his friends dad and uncle. Now, remember, he is 38. Therefore, so are his friends. So I lived in a house with him and 2 old men. Later on his friends came to live with us as well. They had 2 kids, Joey and Melina. Oh how I loved that little girl… She was a bitch but she grew to love me. I stood up for her, I was almost like her big sister. And Joey, he was the typical big brother. Mean, rude, all that jazz. He was 14 and smoked weed with his parents. But, God forbid, his parents would not let him smoke cigarettes until he turned 18.

So we had 8 people living in this tiny house. The house was disgusting, too. It was cleaned about once a month or so, dishes everywhere, trash, and just random shit all over the place. I couldn’t walk around in my bare feet. The floor was just too gross.

There were also 2 dogs. One was a shepherd of some sort. A very aggressive dog who barked and bit at you any time you left the house. He never got taken for walks or even played with. Long fur that was never groomed. Those poor dogs. The other was a beagle. She was very sweat and calm for the most part. The dogs loved to get high though. Because the owners just sat around and smoked all day so the dogs did too.They purposely blow smoke in thee faces of the dogs to “calm them down”.

They all hated me. I knew it. I could feel it. Of course they did. I was the other woman in their eyes. At the time, I didn’t know it nor did I see myself as the other woman when I found out, but now I know.

I’m even sure he was trying to get rid of me. He always told me to “go home to mom if you’re so unhappy” even though he knew I hated her. Even his friends were trying to help him, they made little comments about his habits that would gross any normal person out, but for some reason, I’m not normal. They would look at me after saying these things to see my reaction.

I don’t know why I stayed for so long, but thankfully I am able to look back on it and tell myself that it was not even a year out of my life. I learned a lot there. I learned what to watch out for in guys, the red flags that pop up. I never had any at the time but I feel you need to have a bad relationship at some point in your life so you can learn them. I am so thankful that I learned them and in such a short amount of time, too.

I don’t regret it. Most people would be astonished by that, but I just don’t. I learned from it. I never look back and say “I wish I hadn’t done that”, instead I say “I’m so happy I didn’t stay with him”. I’m so happy we never really got married.

It’s all experience. It’s all just a life lesson. Something I had to learn but couldn’t be taught in school. Thank you, Phil, for teaching me about the assholes in this world. About how to notice them and the red flags. Thank you.

Wow. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. But now that I look at it, I CAN say it.

Thank you, Phil.

Hair

So my hair is kind of long right know. It’s down to about the middle of my boobs (teehee I said boobs). I’m not sure if I want to cut it short again or not. I really liked it when it was short but all my friends said it looked better long. I feel like I looked older when it was short and i really liked that. But I also love my long hair. I’m not sure what to do now.

So here’s a picture of my hair now (I don’t have one of when it was short):

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Pretty, right? But it’s so cute when it’s short. I really don’t know what to do. Any advice?

So I’m not saying I don’t believe in a higher power, I do. I just don’t believe in what the Bible tells us. I think that there must have been some power that created the big bang. Maybe we’re all just a big science experiment. After all we have people out there trying to replicate it. You can’t just create something from nothing. So maybe someone did what we’re trying to do now. If we succeed, maybe we’ll create a whole new universe from it. I fully believe in science, but I also believe that something created our universe. Whether it is this God everyone seems to think it is I’m not sure.

As for Heaven and Hell, I I feel we will never TRULY know if it exists until we die. Only then will we know what happens at the end of our lives. That used to be a big reason why I wanted to die. I wanted to know so badly what the truth was. But I have since realized that I haven’t learned what i can about life yet. Before you can learn about death, you must learn about life. It’s like math. Before you can learn what 2×2 is you must first learn 2+2. That’s just a very simple example though.

These are just my personal beliefs, I do not wish to impose them upon anyone. I simply want to get them out into the world. I don’t want to try and change people’s minds about religion. Religion can be a good thing. It gives people who feel they have no purpose, a purpose. It xan inspire people to do great things. Though some do terrible things from this knowledge, they are doing what they believe is right.

How can we really know right from wrong? We are taught what is right and what is wrong. We learn to believe what we are taught. The suicide bombers are taught that they will go to Heaven with some odd number of virgins waiting for them. They know that others believe what they are doing is wrong, but they believe it is right. Hitler, my favorite example, believed he was doing the right thing for the world. He believed that the only way the world could survive was with his Utopian society. He believed he was right. The rest of the world believed he was wrong. So we are taught, and learn what is right from wrong. But in the end I feel it comes down to one’s own morals.

Morals are an interesting thing. They are different from person to person. Some morals are learned from outside sources like your parents, others you develop on your own. My biggest moral dilemma, if you can call it that, is whether or not smoking weed is good. I’m still not sure. However, as mentioned in another post, maybe it is like medication. You should only take a certain amount to treat whatever it is you are treating, but some people have side effects. Like paranoia and anxiety. I have those side effects, so I should find a different form of medication. Which of course, I am already taking.

Wow, my posts really seem to jump from topic to topic…. Oh well. I am going to the doctor to change my ADHD meds. Hopefully that will help.

I would like to thank all 7 of my followers for taking an interest in what I consider my mindless rambling. The aim at the beginning of this post was NOT to offend, simply get my ideas out there. I fully respect your beliefs and do not mean to impose mine upon you.

A Higher Power

All right. Here goes nothing…

He was handsome. Blond hair down to about his chin, around 5′ 7″ or 5′ 8″. He wasn’t my normal type. He wasn’t skinny but he certainly wasn’t fat. Nor was he muscular. Just an average build. He looked good, but not when he smiled. You could see he was missing some of his bottom teeth, and others were rotting. I looked past that though. I found out that he was an ex Meth addict. But I was in too deep to turn around now. He had seduced me. Drawn me in with promises of sex and alcohol. I was only 17 at the time. How did he know I was into older men? He was 37. I look back on it now and wonder what on earth I was thinking?

I know what I was thinking. My parents were fighting, I didn’t know it until later but I could feel it. My mom was getting stricter by the minute and I wanted to wriggle free from her grasp. I had just graduated high school and was ready to move out and be on my own. Experience new things and have fun. So here he was, Pulling me in with his charm. He had charisma. That’s what made me fall for him. His charm and charisma.

He told me he would never do meth again. Why would he? Weed is so wonderful and so is alcohol, he didn’t need the trouble that came with smoking meth. I believed him.

We would sneak around behind my mother’s back for a while. But finally she found out what was going on. She forced me to bring him to our home so she could meet him. Then told him to never talk to me again. That night she stole me away to Iowa, to visit my grandparents and keep me away from him. Little did she know, every time I was on the computer, I was video chatting with him. I truly loved him. One night, while we were secretly chatting, he asked me to marry him. I was overjoyed.

It wasn’t until on our way back to Colorado I was told my parents were getting a divorce. I cried. All these years I heard about my friends’ parents being divorced or getting divorced. I had always thought to myself, “My parents would never do that, they love each other too much”. How naive.

Eventually my mom found out that I was still seeing him, and kicked me out of the house. I ended up going to live with him. He went out and got a ring and everything for me.

The sex was… interesting. He was violent, He slapped me and choked me. He even tried to force me to do anal. He forced it so many times I started to enjoy it.

“I am going to ruin you for other guys,” he told me one night then proceeded to fuck me hard in the ass until we both climaxed, at the same time. He had done just what he said. He ruined me. I had never had a guy get me to climax before, and after that, I don’t think I ever will again without taking it in the ass. The thought of it just sends shivers down my spine.

I lived with him for 6 out of the 9 months that we were together. Towards the end he started telling me about this other woman. About how she was under the impression that they were dating, but it was only because she was dying and he wanted to make her feel good. Oh, how I ate up his filthy lies. I yelled at him. Telling him I knew he was fucking her. He promised he would stop, more lies. More eating.

I went to visit my friend one day. She told me about how she knew he was seeing another woman. I told her that we had talked about it and how he said he wouldn’t see her again.

“Well, did you know he’s still seeing her,” She asked.

I did not. I broke down right there in her back yard and cried. I let out all of the pain I had been holding inside me for the last 9 months. All the things he told me, I realized were all lies. He never loved me, he was using me. And of course he was. How could a 38 year old meth head love a young vulnerable girl? He couldn’t. He could only use her. Use me.

I left him that day. I called my dad and asked for his help to get my things. He left work and met me by the house I had lived in those 6 months. We called for a police assistance, I was scared of him. And I needed him to know I was serious about leaving. So we gathered all my things and piled them into my mine and my dad’s cars, and drove away.

I haven’t seen him since, but the thought of him still haunts me. It’s been just over a year now since I left him. When will these memories fade? When will the images in my mind be less vivid? When will these wounds heal? I don’t know. But what I do know is I have to keep my eyes on the future. I know it will be so much better than the past.

There. I did it. I wrote about him. I got it out of my mind and into the world. I could have written more detail, more about how he put me down and insulted me, yet somehow I stayed. But I’m not ready to go into it that deep yet.

Phil

I am now up to 5 followers! WOOT! I’m not sure how I did it or why you all are following me, but again, thank you 🙂

As I sit here smoking a cigarrete, I think about how I need to quit. That was my new years resalution this year… Well the year is half over and I’m still smoking like a train. Ugh. I really need to start cutting back again. Allowing myself to only smoke a certain amount every day and then slowly cut down. How about…. Only 3 more today. That would make 5. One this morning, one now, one on my way to work, possibly one on my break and then one on my way home from work. I was down to one a day for a while there. But then drama started with my friend and I started stress smoking.

I need to get back into my story writing again. I used to be really good at it. But there are no stories to write. Nothing to write about any more. I’ve lost my motivation for it. 

Here we are agsin. Back to my motivation. I have none. But then, what is motivating me to write on here? I’m not exactly sure. Something inside me wants to write. I want to write so bad. Maybe I should visit my old English teacher and ask her for a prompt. Something to write about. That would be fun.

That’s all for now. Thank you followers for taking an interest in my dull life. TTFN.

I am now up to 5 followers! WOOT!

Why people feel the need to follow my blog is beyond me. I’m not a very exciting person and all I’m really doing is keeping a journal/diary online. However, I would like to thank all 3 of you for taking an interest in me 🙂 I’m not posting this picture to say you shouldn’t follow me, it’s just the only one I have that has anything to do with the word. 

 

 

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So I had a workout today at Red Rocks (If any of you know what that is)… I skipped the last half of it. My mom is supposed to be my motivation to keep doing it but she is unable to go for the next week or so due to a spinal something or other. I feel kind of bad that I ditched the rest of it but at least I’m trying right? :/

I need to find new motivation. Not just to work out, but to…. live in general. I’m not saying that I don’t want to live, I do. I already went through my depressed, suicidal phase. I just need motivation to work harder and do the shit I need to do. And I know I should probably find it within myself, but I’m having issues with that. Maybe it’s because I just got out of the depression and suicidal part of my life. But then again, there should be no excuse right? How does one motivate herself? Maybe these are the things I should be working on in therapy…. And I suppose if my therapist can’t help me I should find a new one? I don’t know… I’ve been going to her for almost a year now and she has really helped me. But now I need different help. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I need to get my life on track and I hope to do it with school, but where will the motivation come from to actually do the shit I need to do? 

Enough of my mindless rambling. This is all I have to say for now.

Once again, I would like to thank all 3 of my followers for taking an interest in me :3

 

 

Why people feel the need to follow my

I haven’t really been keeping up on my reading schedule like I should… But I did read today and last night and my book is really good. It’s Empire by Orson Scott Card. The same guy who wrote Ender’s Game (Which I also must read before I watch the new movie). I need to keep on a regular schedule so when school comes around I can actually do my work and shit >.> I don’t want to fail. I’m so hard on myself but I need more self-discipline. If I get into a regular reading schedule this summer then I’ll be able to transfer that to study/homework time when school comes.

I saw my “brother” yesterday. That was quite fun. We talked about everything that’s been going on in our lives and then went and smoked hooka. I’ve missed him…

I still need more friends. That’s why I’m so anxious to get back into school. I need to meet now people and have new friends. Ones who share my outlook and have dreams as big as mine. Prefferably ones that don’t smoke weed. I’m still trying to get away from it.

Shelby is now mad at me again. But I don’t seem to really care this time. I’m sick of all her shit and drama she brings into my life. She only cares about herself and only shows up when it’s convenient for her. I don’t need people like that in my life. I want people who help me, not bring me down.

I haven’t really been keeping up on my