I am just a big pile of fucked up and fuck ups. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why do I do such stupid shit? Why do I have to be so desperate? I just want someone who will hold me day and night. To be there for me any time I need them. I get lonely very easily. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. But it’s just so hard. My mind starts to race and I imagine things that I wish I could erase from my mind. And I do things that I wish the same for.
Stop doing stupid shit, Liz.
I wish it were that easy. To just stop. But why isn’t it that easy? I don’t know. And now I’m feeling depressed again. We upped one of my antidepressants but so far it isn’t helping.
I’m disappointing myself and those around me. Myself being the more important of the two. Sigh.
I want to say I am in love with someone, but am I really? Part of me is still very scared that he’ll hurt me. And I know he’s scared of the same thing, of hurting me. But… What if I hurt him? Wow. I haven’t had that thought in a while… I used t o be scared of hurting people, but now, I’m scared of being the one to get hurt. What happened? That wall, around my heart, has been destroyed so badly that I have nothing to protect it anymore. However, I keep my distance more now. I don’t feel close to him. Why? I don’t know. I just don’t. I’m scared. I haven’t gotten myself close to anyone since Phil. So maybe that wall is there. And maybe it is stronger now. A little too strong. It’s impenetrable now.
I want someone to break it down though. I want to let someone in. But only a certain someone. I know there is the risk of getting hurt, but, as I have said before, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Break it down. Let yourself in. Please. I want to love you completely. I want all my worries to vanish into your tight embrace. I say that I love you, but when I do, I don’t fully believe it. I feel like I am not capable of love anymore.
Again, just a pile of fucked up and fuck ups.
Wall around my heart
Let yourself in, please.