Well. I’m out of both of my antidepressants. Yay. :/ I was already feeling depressed. Now I’m just going to feel worse. Great.

So I told that guy off. I made it clear that I don’t want to see him anymore. I had a realization yesterday. He is just like Phil. Minus the drugs. I don’t really know what it was that tipped me off but something did. We were in Walmart. That might have been it… Idk… All I know is that I want nothing to do with older men. 6 years. That is my limit. Any more, and they are out. He was a felon, had two kids, and acted just like Phil. The things he said sounded just right but not at the same time. The way he treated me, the way he ignored what I wanted to do, then said he would never do that, it was all the same. I guess those were my Red Flags.

Well anyways, I told him I didn’t want to see him again and I’d appreciate it if he didn’t show up at my work anymore. He calmly said okay. If he were really attached he probably would have asked why, but he didn’t. I’m glad he didn’t though. I don’t need to explain myself to him, and that’s what I would have said. If he bothers me again, I might have to threaten him with harassment and the cops. I know he doesn’t want to deal with them again so that should keep him off my back.

Depression. Such a wonderful thing. I haven’t been feeling quite right since we upped my Abilify. Maybe we should bring it back down and try something else. What is the highest dose you can take of Celexa? I’m not sure. I’ll have to find that out… Looks like the FDA says the highest dose is 40mg…. I take 60mg….. Wow…

Welp. Hopefully I’ll have my prescriptions soon. Fingers crossed.  

Goodbye Badguy

Advertisements

I am just a big pile of fucked up and fuck ups. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why do I do such stupid shit? Why do I have to be so desperate? I just want someone who will hold me day and night. To be there for me any time I need them. I get lonely very easily. I need to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. But it’s just so hard. My mind starts to race and I imagine things that I wish I could erase from my mind. And I do things that I wish the same for.

Stop doing stupid shit, Liz.

I wish it were that easy. To just stop. But why isn’t it that easy? I don’t know. And now I’m feeling depressed again. We upped one of my antidepressants but so far it isn’t helping.

I’m disappointing myself and those around me. Myself being the more important of the two. Sigh.

I want to say I am in love with someone, but am I really? Part of me is still very scared that he’ll hurt me. And I know he’s scared of the same thing, of hurting me. But… What if I hurt him? Wow. I haven’t had that thought in a while… I used t o be scared of hurting people, but now, I’m scared of being the one to get hurt. What happened? That wall, around my heart, has been destroyed so badly that I have nothing to protect it anymore. However, I keep my distance more now. I don’t feel close to him. Why? I don’t know. I just don’t. I’m scared. I haven’t gotten myself close to anyone since Phil. So maybe that wall is there. And maybe it is stronger now. A little too strong. It’s impenetrable now.

I want someone to break it down though. I want to let someone in. But only a certain someone. I know there is the risk of getting hurt, but, as I have said before, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Break it down. Let yourself in. Please. I want to love you completely. I want all my worries to vanish into your tight embrace. I say that I love you, but when I do, I don’t fully believe it. I feel like I am not capable of love anymore.

Again, just a pile of fucked up and fuck ups.

So, Remember:

Fucked up

Fuck ups

Wall around my heart

Love?

Let yourself in, please.

Ttyl

The Wall Around My Heart

Dollhouse By Priscilla Renea

This video completely described my life with Phil. I am reminiscing right now because I was telling Eric about him so now I am in the mode of remembering and trying to lift myself back up from it. If that made any sense at all. I’m distracted by music… Anywho, this song says so much to me and about me. I love it.

Phil pt. 2

More smoking. More mindless nonsense. Though now I am typing but I don’t even know what to say…

So… How about that local sports team? Or….. How was your last period? (Inside joke)

I guess I’ll talk more about him… How he put me down, made me feel worthless. One day we were in Walmart, he was walking behind me, I was wearing a pair of his jeans. He commented on how terrible they looked on me. He said, ” I found your mom’s ass”. The little comments he made about me, my weight, how I looked, they made my self-esteem plummet. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did. Was it for the children?

Yes, there were children, not mine though. His children. He had five kids. One was even my age. What the hell was I thinking? The three middle kids lived with his mother, and the youngest lived with his ex-wife. Oh the tangled webs we weave. Why or how I got into this situation is still beyond me. Then the house we lived in… It was a small 4 bedroom house in a low class area. I lived with his friends dad and uncle. Now, remember, he is 38. Therefore, so are his friends. So I lived in a house with him and 2 old men. Later on his friends came to live with us as well. They had 2 kids, Joey and Melina. Oh how I loved that little girl… She was a bitch but she grew to love me. I stood up for her, I was almost like her big sister. And Joey, he was the typical big brother. Mean, rude, all that jazz. He was 14 and smoked weed with his parents. But, God forbid, his parents would not let him smoke cigarettes until he turned 18.

So we had 8 people living in this tiny house. The house was disgusting, too. It was cleaned about once a month or so, dishes everywhere, trash, and just random shit all over the place. I couldn’t walk around in my bare feet. The floor was just too gross.

There were also 2 dogs. One was a shepherd of some sort. A very aggressive dog who barked and bit at you any time you left the house. He never got taken for walks or even played with. Long fur that was never groomed. Those poor dogs. The other was a beagle. She was very sweat and calm for the most part. The dogs loved to get high though. Because the owners just sat around and smoked all day so the dogs did too.They purposely blow smoke in thee faces of the dogs to “calm them down”.

They all hated me. I knew it. I could feel it. Of course they did. I was the other woman in their eyes. At the time, I didn’t know it nor did I see myself as the other woman when I found out, but now I know.

I’m even sure he was trying to get rid of me. He always told me to “go home to mom if you’re so unhappy” even though he knew I hated her. Even his friends were trying to help him, they made little comments about his habits that would gross any normal person out, but for some reason, I’m not normal. They would look at me after saying these things to see my reaction.

I don’t know why I stayed for so long, but thankfully I am able to look back on it and tell myself that it was not even a year out of my life. I learned a lot there. I learned what to watch out for in guys, the red flags that pop up. I never had any at the time but I feel you need to have a bad relationship at some point in your life so you can learn them. I am so thankful that I learned them and in such a short amount of time, too.

I don’t regret it. Most people would be astonished by that, but I just don’t. I learned from it. I never look back and say “I wish I hadn’t done that”, instead I say “I’m so happy I didn’t stay with him”. I’m so happy we never really got married.

It’s all experience. It’s all just a life lesson. Something I had to learn but couldn’t be taught in school. Thank you, Phil, for teaching me about the assholes in this world. About how to notice them and the red flags. Thank you.

Wow. I never thought I’d say that. Ever. But now that I look at it, I CAN say it.

Thank you, Phil.