The Rabbit Hole That is My Mind

Insecurities rise as I fall further. Down the rabbit hole I go. Oh! Hello jealousy! How have you been? I’d really appreciate it if you’d go away. 

No, he is not flirting… That’s just how he talks to his friends….

Oh, hello doubt, long time no see. What? No! I haven’t heard that line before… Have I?…

He’s so sweet. He really spoils me. But I’ve heard somewhere before that that can be a bad sign… 

And then his past… It still eats away at me. And… One question I’m still not sure about and don’t know how to ask him… But has his divorce gone through yet? Or are they still technically married.

Wait. Divorce. Kids. Violent past… What am I doing?? Is this really what I want? Is this really something I should be putting myself through? Especially because I am so young. I’m only 20 after all. Should I be looking for someone closer to my age? Who hasn’t gone through so much yet? Because, I want to experience these things for the first time with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. It should be a brand new journey for both of us. So, would I really want to marry someone, and have kids with them, when they’ve already been through it?

I should trust my gut. I really should. And if my gut has told me twice already to walk away… Maybe that’s what I should do…

It’s more than just the fact that we were constantly around each other. It’s the divorce, the kids, the past, the present, and the future.

Like I said, I want to experience things with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. And when it comes to the present, I’m so young. And insecure. And afraid to be alone. But only when we are comfortable being alone, can we be comfortable and happy with another person.

So here it comes again. I need to be alone. I need to learn that it is ok to not be in a relationship. It’s just… Hard. I have no friends in my area anymore.

A fresh start. That is what I need.

So the idea of moving in with Monique pops up again. A whole new city. A whole new state. A whole new group of friends, but I won’t be entirely new and alone, I’ll have one of my best friends to help me out.

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighed. 

Back to the main point of this whole thing. Follow your gut, Lizz. Listen to it. It tends to lead you in the right direction.

I need help. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. I still don’t trust my own instincts or even trust myself to stand my ground.

 

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Do I take him back?

I revealed to me Master that I want a relationship, that’s not what he wants. So Eric happens to pop up… And… Well… I’m considering it. Is it a good idea? I’m not too sure. I don’t know what to do. What about Mr. Black? Do I break it off with him? Because I know he doesn’t want a relationship either. 

I just… I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one trying to make the relationship work, and that’s how I felt last time with Eric. :/

I’m also afraid he’ll hurt me, like they warned me. Should I stay away from him? He says he’s getting help and that he’s on meds now. Do I believe him? I’ve been lied to by so many men, I can’t stand it anymore. 

On a side note: The college campus internet won’t let me play Steam games. 😦

Mumble Grumble

Is a relationship so much to ask for?? All I want is a guy who will take me out and treat me right while satisfying me in the sack. Why can’t I find anyone who wants a real relationship and not just sex?

That is so fucking frustrating. I want someone I can call mine. I want someone to hold me and love me for me. Someone I can take home to my parents and introduce to my friends. Someone to hang out with and just spend time doing nothing with. I don’t just want sex. I want the real deal.

Insecurities.

So… When it comes to introducing my friends to guys I like… I don’t like doing it. I always feel that the guy will like my friend better than me. It started with Travis and Sarah. Travis told me that if he weren’t dating me he would date her. I broke up with him not long after and he goes and asks Sarah out. She said yes. It killed me. Now when I introduce my friends to a guy I like or am dating I get very worried. And it’s happening right now. I have introduced Mr. Black to a friend I met at work. He seems to really be getting along with her. Seeing as Mr. Black and I don’t have an official title, it would be easy for him to go to her. But I should trust him right? I should believe that he won’t. But my past experiences have proven that it’s hard to trust anyone. I don’t know if I trust her either. What if she tries to steal him from me? 

Why do I have such a hard time trusting people? It sucks. 

I don’t want to lose him. I really like him. But she is more on his level when it comes to nerdy than I am… I feel like they have more in common than I do with him. That’s why I’m getting so worried.

Why do I have to have such insecurities? 

Why am I so clingy? 

Why do I have to be this way?

Why can’t I just keep my friends separate from each other? Keep my lives separate. Keep my groups of friends separate. It never ends well when I try to blend them….

 

 

So, today is Sarah’s birthday. So I got her a card and put $40 in it and brought it to her. She was happy to see me and gave me a huge hug. She said she was really hoping it wouldn’t really be the end. I’m so happy right now. I needed this. I love her to death. And she said the card was perfect. It said something about how we will always be friends. 🙂

I feel so much better now knowing that things are better between us. Be the bigger man right? I gave her money back, plus some, and made up with her. 🙂 

So now I just have to deal with that guy from work… Hmmm…..

I need advice!

I need to quit smoking but I don’t know any good, effective methods. Anyone have any advice? I have tried harm reduction but whenever I get stressed I smoke more again. I think that is the best way to do it, but I need help making it effective. 

Mr. Black doesn’t like that I smoke and I really like him. I’ve been wanting to quit anyways but now I want to even more. 

So, there’s this guy at work who has a thing for me. I’ve been hanging out with him and he finally asked me out… But… What about Mr. Black? I like him a lot more. And he’s much nicer. I’ve noticed that if I say “You’re mean” to a person a lot, it ends up being bad. He ends up really being a mean person. That’s what happened with Phil. So I’ve noticed I’ve been saying it a lot to the guy at work. I want to tell him that I can’t be with him, but he seems like a fragile person and might take it out on me. I don’t know how to break it to him. And I have to break things off with him if things start getting serious with Mr. Black. 

Plus, I don’t want to stop hanging out with the guy from work because… Well… I don’t really have anyone else to hang out with… It’s sad… I have few friends left that I can see outside of school or work. :/

So, I’m getting depressed again. I had an anxiety attack at work the other day. I scratched my arm until there was blood. Now I have large scabs on my arms… I can’t start doing this again. I can’t hurt myself. This is a step in the wrong direction. 

About Time

So I think it’s about time I write about this guy… I don’t know why I’ve been putting it off, maybe because I don’t want to jinx it… Lets call him…. Mr. Black (No offense intended). I don’t want to use his real name because… Well I have no good reason. I just don’t. So Mr. Black and I have been having some fun together. He’s very sweet, very goofy, and just overall fun to be around. 🙂 He makes me smile and laugh and just feel good. But I’m worried that I might be getting too clingy… I try not to be but I just like being around him and with him.

He’s super cute and he has abs and and and yeah. :3 The thing is, I go to school with him. Well kinda. He goes to the same campus, but a different college. I see him in the pool hall all the time. But then there’s Eric. Who is also in the pool hall. I can tell he is getting jealous. All I have to say about that though is that he should have put in more effort to be with me. I don’t want to be with someone that I can’t see outside of school. I don’t want to be with someone who always has an excuse to not hang out. I’m the type of person that needs to be able to see the person I’m with when ever possible. Not someone that I can’t see over the weekend or after school.

Anywho, M.B. has some issues of his own. He was married for a little while and is still trying to get over that. I’m patient though. He also can’t work right now. That is what is mainly holding him back from being with me. But I figure as long as we can hang out and have fun, I’m fine. I don’t need to label the relationship or anything. If he isn’t ready to consider us to be dating, that’s okay.

There’s not much else to say about him.

Remember:

Mr. Black

Not dating

Just fun

TTYL