Can of Worms

So I’m dinking around on Facebook and decide to open my “Other” folder in messages. I notice messages that I saw previously from a psycho ex who is still in love with me. That’s whatever…. But then… I open my can of worms. I open the messages from “Tommi Love”. When they were sent to me about a year ago, I knew who it was. I just ignored them… Never really read them. But I just did…. And it is bringing up emotions I have almost been successful in ridding my mind of. That paranoia. That feeling of being followed.

One message says: Hey mama I will find a way to talk to you …….

Holy shit. Seriously. That is my worst nightmare….

Then another one that scared me: I have your boots and coats , something’s that I have put away I didn’t throw away or set fire to ….

That one is worse because I set fire to all the stuff of his that I had. What the hell did I do? What do I do???

It’s like a train wreck. I can’t stop looking at the messages.



So, seeing as I haven’t written in a while, I figure I should update all of you ignoring my posts on what is going on in my life.

So, Shelby and I made up and are friends now. Thanks to Mo for the help. She joined Mary Kay a little while ago after I brought her to a facial that my old school mate wanted me to do. Well…. Now she has talked me into joining. My hopes for this is it will help me to find the motivation within myself to do the things I want in life and also help me learn how to budget and save money. We’ll see how that turns out in a month or so. I’m still waiting to get my starter kit for it.

Uhhh….. Oh! Yeah! I’m 21 now!!!! W00T!!!! 😀 Also Sarah is now 22. Her birthday was quite the adventure for me. After dropping her at her friend’s house downtown, her roommates and I took a taxi to pick up their car. Well, none of them were from the area and I’m not very familiar with downtown, so they didn’t remember where they parked. So the taxi dropped us off….. Somewhere. And from there we started our 1 to 2 hour walk around a very sketchy area of downtown at 3AM to find the car. I think we almost got jumped/mugged about 2 or 3 times. 2 hours and one anxiety attack later, I gave up and called my dad. At 4AM. He wasn’t too thrilled but he said he’d rather me call than wander downtown in the middle of the night. So… Good call. When he came to get us, he helped the guys find their car (We were going in the wrong direction, homeless people lie when giving directions). Once we finally located the lot they were parked in, I pointed out a “Jesus Saves” sign that we had passed earlier that night one street over from where they had parked. We had been so close there….

So I know have a very painful blister on the bottom of my foot from the speed walking around while trying to keep up with the guys. It has been 8 days since then and the blister still hurts if I walk too much. That makes work very painful.

Ah! Yes! I think the last time I posted I didn’t have a job. I got a sales floor job at Target at the end of September. So that’s cool. I’m really liking it so far. It’s not easy, but I like the people I work with and the overall environment there.

I quit smoking around the same time I got the job. So I haven’t had a cigarette in about a month and a half, and haven’t smoked weed in longer. I no longer smoke anything including hookah.

I am single and fine with it right now.

So there you have it. A brief update of my life right now.

For those of you who made it this far, thanks for reading my diary you creepy effers.


The Reaction

If anyone steals this idea from me, I will sue!!!

Here we go:

(KEY: “Viewer” is the person being filmed; “Movie” is what the viewer is watching; “Audience” will be the ones to watch this film; “Film” the entire concept I’m outlining here.)

It’s a film about a person watching a real movie that has already been released. It doesn’t matter if they’ve seen it yet or not. Preferably a horror, suspense, action, thriller. Anything that will result in a good reaction from the viewer.

The entire film will just show the viewer as they watch the movie. The audience will be able to hear everything EXCEPT the dialogue of the movie being watched. Everything the viewer says in response to the movie can be heard along with the score and any other noises other than actual dialogue.

At the end of the film the audience has the chance to guess what movie was being viewed. If they get it right maybe they win something? Idk from there.


Shoplifting is a No-No.

Hello, kids.
I’m here today to talk to you about shoplifting. First, it is a FELONY. Which means it will permanently be put on your record and make getting a job nearly impossible. You will not be accepted anywhere that you handle money, which is the main job people my age and those starting off in the work force can get.

Now, why am I posting this? Well… I was caught shoplifting. It was terrifying. This was the ultimate screw-up. I was finished. I ruined my future. I gave into peer pressure and allowed the girl I lived with in Ft. Collins to persuade me into stealing. What was I thinking? Honestly… I wasn’t. It was a stupid, thoughtless decision that I made. I blame no one else but myself. No one forced my hand to pick up that tanktop and put it in my bag. It was my hand, my mind, my mistake. I screwed up big time.

However, there was hope! I was lucky enough to be caught in a place that had a Restore program for youths 20 and under. Just a few more months and I wouldn’t have made it. So, the program has given me the privilege of making up for my mistake. Since it was the first and only time I have ever stolen, I have been given the chance to make up for my poor choice.

One way for me to do this was to write about my mistake and try to influence as many people in the community to not make the same decision that I made. Hence the reason I started with and emphasized the fact that it is a FELONY.

So, although I was instructed to draw or write something that could help the youth around me, I chose to post on here. I am not ashamed of this post. In fact, I think it is very necessary.

While in the group at the program’s meeting I learned something vital to my future. I wish to share it with you. We were told to bring a support person with us, preferably a parent. I was in a group with 2 other girls, younger than me, still in high school. One of the mothers brought up a very valid point. Parents know to talk to their kids about sex and drugs, but it never occurs to them to have a talk about the ramifications of theft. It is an important lesson that kids should learn early, before they make the mistake themselves.

So, I just want to say that I am so thankful that I was truly lucky enough to get into this program. Not only have I learned a lot about how shoplifting effects the stores and community, I have also been granted a second chance.

I want to take the last part of this post to thank the Restore program and every one who takes their time to talk to the youth going through it. Without you, we would have a very bleak future.

Thank you.

I… don’t even know….

Your sister called me controlling… She told me to turn around and just leave. I asked your mom if she wanted me to go but she wouldn’t answer. When I said I would only leave if she told me to, and I wouldn’t take it from your sister, the look your mom gave me broke my heart.

If I have ever tried to control you, I am sorry. I never realized that that was what I was doing. I have only ever looked out for your best interest. I’m not entirely sure what happened tonight, but I am sorry. I feel as though I brought this upon you.

I’m sorry.

The Note

I sit here, in this empty house, contemplating life. Everything I have done wrong. All the mistakes I have made. It’s all weighing down on me. I’m done. I’m over it.

I blame only myself for all the wrongs I have done.

I want to leave it all behind.