I’m a Disappointment.

I’m constantly letting myself down.

I don’t even know what else to say. It’s the truth.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m letting others down already, but I’ve finally realized that I’m letting myself down as well.

I’m not happy with who I am and what I’m doing. More like not doing…

I’ve tried to change. Every time I take one step forward, I end up taking two steps back.

I’m on the verge of giving up. I’m regressing. But why?

I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to die… I just… Don’t want to live like this. The constant disappointment and self-loathing is eating at me. But I can’t seem to even put the effort in to do anything about… well… anything.

I’m simply done. I give up. I know I’ll be yelled at and lectured but… honestly… those have never helped me in the first place. I’ve tried to tell that to my dad but he doesn’t seem to take it to heart.

I just want to go somewhere where I can be lazy and not worry about anything anymore.

This is a cry for help.

Not help finding the motivation to conform to society and do the government’s bidding, but help to get out and not be controlled by petty shit like getting a job to make money to buy a place that i will hardly ever be in because I will be out at my job trying to make money etc.

I’ve never liked the world. Errr… Humans, that is.

I’m losing purpose again… Losing meaning. Losing my reason to stay here.

But the idea of death scares me… I used to be curious as to what happens after life, but now I’m not so sure I want to find out. What if my entire being ceases to exist… I can’t even fathom what that would be like…

I’m getting into a dark place… I think I’m going to stop and just shut my brain off. Space out.

TTYL?

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One thought on “I’m a Disappointment.

  1. You’re entitled to feel washed away from life. You’d be some kind of robotic impression of a living organism if you never experienced these days. But you are here, and you are breathing, and therefore you are still becoming. You may need rest, a brief reconnection with nature (even a ten minute walk outside in a city will do) or to just feel the fear and be alright with that. Laughter is a good anecdote for the blackness that is but part of the light. Just know, even if you don’t fully realize it yet that we, i.e. the universe is dynamic and cyclical. Death is a release from the lessons in this life, but not a solution to the struggles faced therein. Ask the air for help, and YOUR angels (i.e. guides, ancestors, or whatever YOU feel comfortable with) for help and I promise they will ease the pain. You are loved… and you are love. 🙂

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