The Rabbit Hole That is My Mind

Insecurities rise as I fall further. Down the rabbit hole I go. Oh! Hello jealousy! How have you been? I’d really appreciate it if you’d go away. 

No, he is not flirting… That’s just how he talks to his friends….

Oh, hello doubt, long time no see. What? No! I haven’t heard that line before… Have I?…

He’s so sweet. He really spoils me. But I’ve heard somewhere before that that can be a bad sign… 

And then his past… It still eats away at me. And… One question I’m still not sure about and don’t know how to ask him… But has his divorce gone through yet? Or are they still technically married.

Wait. Divorce. Kids. Violent past… What am I doing?? Is this really what I want? Is this really something I should be putting myself through? Especially because I am so young. I’m only 20 after all. Should I be looking for someone closer to my age? Who hasn’t gone through so much yet? Because, I want to experience these things for the first time with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. It should be a brand new journey for both of us. So, would I really want to marry someone, and have kids with them, when they’ve already been through it?

I should trust my gut. I really should. And if my gut has told me twice already to walk away… Maybe that’s what I should do…

It’s more than just the fact that we were constantly around each other. It’s the divorce, the kids, the past, the present, and the future.

Like I said, I want to experience things with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. And when it comes to the present, I’m so young. And insecure. And afraid to be alone. But only when we are comfortable being alone, can we be comfortable and happy with another person.

So here it comes again. I need to be alone. I need to learn that it is ok to not be in a relationship. It’s just… Hard. I have no friends in my area anymore.

A fresh start. That is what I need.

So the idea of moving in with Monique pops up again. A whole new city. A whole new state. A whole new group of friends, but I won’t be entirely new and alone, I’ll have one of my best friends to help me out.

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighed. 

Back to the main point of this whole thing. Follow your gut, Lizz. Listen to it. It tends to lead you in the right direction.

I need help. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. I still don’t trust my own instincts or even trust myself to stand my ground.

 

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3 thoughts on “The Rabbit Hole That is My Mind

  1. Not Dead Yet says:

    Really?

  2. 'los says:

    Sometimes, that gut feeling is just your nerves looking for the easy way instead of the better way.

  3. 'los says:

    I respect your thoughts on wanting to experience those things with someone who is also experiencing them for the first time. I simply don’t agree. My first marriage was with someone who was also got no through it for the first time… It was really her first real relationship. And look where that put me.. Divorced, with two kids, the first one from her having a sense of obligation as my wife, and the second as a way to try to fix the marriage instead of actually dealing with the problem. That’s the kind of thing someone might do that hasn’t been married or hasn’t taken a marriage and family class.

    Being through hell and back, I am better suited to be your partner. I can be around your crazy, and still love you, hold you, and try to help you see that everything will work out.

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