I fucking love him

Why do I always let my guard down so soon? I know that I’m only going to get hurt again. I want to make thgis relationship work more than I ever have with anyone elso before. We are barely 2 weeks in and already fighting. I met one of his best friends today, who also happens to be his ex girlfriend. The way they acted together was as if they are dating. Yes, I got jealous. He can’t deal with jealous people. So I am going to do my very best to deal with her and the way they act together. I want him. And I know he is a package deal with bagage and shit. I understand. I also have an ex who I am best friends with. I just need to keep that in mind when I see them. I’m sorry for being such a jealous person. I’m sorry that I didn’t think I’d get this way about the situation.

Fuck not using the “L word”. I do love him. I opened my heart up for the first time since Phil and I feel like he is trying to push me away. I realize that I was warned but I honestly did not know how I would react to them. I appologize for how jealous I can get and I do want to change it. I figure if I can be around Ryan’s new girlfriend then I can be around Alex’s ex. I love him. I really do. That’s why I have to make this work. That’s why I won’t let him push me away and why I won’t run away. I’ve already fallen, hard. I could feel my chest hurting as we argued. My heart nearly breaking. But I kept it together. Because I didn’t run. And I didn’t let him push me away.

I haven’t cried like this in a long time. But I guess I should have seen it coming, what with my last 2 posts and all.

He wants to find my blog. I’m thinking I’ll just send the link for this post to him so he can see what I’ve written and possibly understand how I feel. I hop he does. I hope he can realize that I am not going to stop him from seeing her, but I’m also not going to let it get to me anymore. Yes it upset me today to see how they are, but it won’t upset me again. I won’t let it. I want this to work out way too much. Like I said, I love him. I don’t care if it’s too early to be using that word. How long before it’s ok to use that word anyways? I think, after you make it through your first fight is when it is ok to use it. Because if a couple can fight but stay together afterwards, then they do love each other.

I feel like he isn’t to that point with me yet, though. I understand, I really do. He has been hurt and told the same things over and over until he starts to believe it or even expect it from someone. He has built a wall around his heart and is refusing to let anyone through until they prove they are worthy. I think I took a step forward these last few days, but 2 steps back today. But I will keep working through this until he sees that I am not going to give up. I will not let my jealousy ruin something I want so bad.

I know I’m rambling now but I just have so many thoughts right now it’s hard to keep them all straight.

I will stick this out as long as he wants me around. I won’t leave unless he tells me to. I am not walking away from this. I want it far too much to do that.

I love you. I’m not going anywhere.

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