I don’t even know

I just got back from laying by the pool, reading my book. It was nice 🙂 It’s warm but not too hot out, I got some much needed sun on my legs (which I never do).

But now I’ve gotten down to thinking. Am I really in the right position to be in a relationship? I still haven’t recovered from that relationship I was in. And the guy I’m seeing now is showing too many red flags. Or maybe I’m just imagining them? I’m not really sure. Now that I really think hard about him I don’t think he’s right for me. But can I really be that picky? Well, yes. I should be. Like my other post said, I will not settle for less than what I deserve. But what do I deserve? 

Also, I’ve noticed a pattern with all my relationships. All the guys I have been with have been mean, been distant, put me down, and things like that. It’s what I’m used to. But now that I’ve experienced it to the extreme I don’t want to put up with it anymore. Even the slightest bit of jerkery sets me off. How do I find someone nice and caring enough to suit me? I’m not sure anymore there is anyone like that out there. I don’t like being teased. In any way. I have been teased and made fun of my whole life and I will not let it continue. If someone does it to me, they’re gone. I will not put up with it.

He seems like a fun guy, but not someone I want to date. What he considers funny, I consider mean. He is showing signs of being very controlling. That is a major no-no in my book. I think we should just be friends. But how do we go to that after what we’ve done? Maybe I should stop being such a whore and giving it up so easily…

How do I change my ways? How do I stop being so susceptible? Maybe I need to become a bitch again. I seem to have lost my bitchiness. I was a great bitch in middle school. 

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