I’ve built a wall around my heart. I don’t give it away so easily like I used to. I’ve been hurt. Badly. Why do I always seem to go for the same type of guy? They’re always ass holes who use me and abuse me. Then when a nice guy comes along, I find myself pushing him away, afraid that he’ll hurt me just like the others.
How do I open up? How do I talk about myself, my past, and my feelings? It’s become so difficult for me. For so long my feelings haven’t mattered to any one else. They’re always ignored. I need to open up. I need to express my feelings.
Ugh. My emotions are so hard for even me to understand, how is someone else supposed to understand them, too?? That’s what my therapist is for. Although, I suppose I do need to learn to communicate better. Communication is key in relationships. And I suck at it… Maybe that’s why my relationships have failed…. After Pablo…. I was broken. I was torn and I had to rebuild myself. I guess I missed a few pieces in the process… Then there was Phil. I’ve already talked all about him. But he really made things worse. He made it hard for me to talk and trust. I feel like I need someone to help rebuild me.
More rambling. I ramble too much. I wish I talked as much as I used to, though. My parents used to say that they couldn’t take me fishing because I talked so much that I scared all the fish away.
Now I hardly even talk as much as I used to. It kind of makes me sad. I feel like I hardly ever have anything on my mind anymore. Like I have nothing to talk about, ever.
That’s all I can really think of to write about right now. TTFN